tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post1111882587978285895..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : ENTRY 7Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-30438928496993039292010-02-01T04:49:01.582-06:002010-02-01T04:49:01.582-06:00I think you have a great idea for a novel here. I ...I think you have a great idea for a novel here. I know I'd read it. It seems to me like you managed to get a fair amount of voice in the query too, which is always hard. Good luck!Michellenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-73921265194590371572010-01-31T19:46:03.040-06:002010-01-31T19:46:03.040-06:00I love this query. The story looks exciting and fu...I love this query. The story looks exciting and funny. I agree with Holly about the word 'Wrong!' It sort of pounced out at me and didn't seem to fit. Maybe just say "No way! instead.<br /><br />I also agree with Melody. Use Chester's name in those other places. Then you have a perfect query. IMO.<br /><br />Good luck with it.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-9137103212810152692010-01-31T19:25:38.394-06:002010-01-31T19:25:38.394-06:00I think you have all the elements here of a great ...I think you have all the elements here of a great query, and the GASP! concept Michael mentioned in the blog - somewhere.<br /><br />I think you could strengthen it a bit by using Chester's name a bit more. In the second paragraph you're talking about his mom, and I think when you switch back to Chester you should use his name at least once to clarify. Same in the third chapter when you're talking about Kyle - then switch back to Chester having to find the mummy first - that one confused me a bit as to whether it was Kyle or Chester.<br /><br />Otherwise, I really like this, especially the comment about the cake and then alluding back to fat camp.<br /><br />Good luck!melodycolleenhttp://bleudaisies.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-78659800329684553082010-01-31T15:09:28.775-06:002010-01-31T15:09:28.775-06:00This is good. I just got a little thrown at "...This is good. I just got a little thrown at "Wrong!" because it read like he was wrong about what happened to his friends. Maybe "But there's no way he's gonna let that happen" would work instead. Also, I'd take out the "he has to find the mummy" line as it practically says the same thing as the line before it. But otherwise this reads well to me.Hollyhttp://www.hollyannehook.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com