tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post1592673987207352923..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 31Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-15629366589804271552010-05-09T11:58:41.244-05:002010-05-09T11:58:41.244-05:00I'd like to see more immediacy here. The secon...I'd like to see more immediacy here. The second paragraph holds me at a distance from the story -- I'd like to get Jacey's voice here. <br /><br />I'm left with some questions after reading this query: who is Jacey with on the mountain pass, and why is she there? What are Jacey's historical abilities? Why would otherworldly predators vie for control of a a teen social scene? <br /><br />I think expanding this query and working in Jacey's voice (removing the omniscient narrator) will make is much stronger. <br /><br />A good start.Jamie Weiss Chiltonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-90565992185183422332010-04-15T17:15:39.683-05:002010-04-15T17:15:39.683-05:00I've heard of telekinetic and psychic powers, ...I've heard of telekinetic and psychic powers, but what are historical powers? You need to describe what it is Jacey can do. It might be something really unique and amazing, but right now, I just don't know.<br /><br />Also, what's the centuries-old mystery surrounding James Madison? Because I'm a bit of a history geek and I can't think of any big mysteries off the top of my head. It'd be best if you explain what mystery she solves, how she does it, and how it relates to the near-death experience that leads her to the Sojourners. In other words, tie it all together because right now you have two different elements that seem disjointed. <br /> <br />The trick is to do it in a few sentences, but your query's short so you have the room to do it. Good luck!Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11886151771194369513noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-31657253699111703102010-04-14T23:19:14.073-05:002010-04-14T23:19:14.073-05:00I really like this and want to know more. I am co...I really like this and want to know more. I am confused about the historical powers, is that the fact that she can travel through time? And what does the first para have to do with the rest of the query. I'm kinda confused how that fits in.<br /><br />Good luck! I would definitely read this.J.S. Woodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09231458559331295121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-18301387615519542522010-04-12T23:04:15.523-05:002010-04-12T23:04:15.523-05:00I've seen that title before, so I'm guessi...I've seen that title before, so I'm guessing Sojourners are a fairly known myth or fantasy element. I liked the hook. Definitely had me wanting to read more. And I loved the line "that vie for control of the teen social scene." Great, as if the popular kids weren't bad enough. I'd want to read more just based on that alone. <br /><br />You keep mentioning Jacey's historical powers, but you don't tell us what they are. Do you mean the part where they travel threads of time? Maybe I'm just tired, which is why I'm not getting it. <br /><br />When you query this, make sure you include the word count, title, and genre. <br /><br />Good luck!Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.com