tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post2161891164044978002..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 13Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-30211672432107241782010-02-16T19:00:42.791-06:002010-02-16T19:00:42.791-06:00I was with you until the dragon. I don't know ...I was with you until the dragon. I don't know why the appearance of the dragon snapped me completely out of the scene. Maybe, as has been mentioned, you just need to anchor us a bit more in the setting. Some good writing here, I just wasn't ready to believe in a dragon yet.Michelle L. Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18144191129362767115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-20162794417436296082010-02-16T16:26:36.800-06:002010-02-16T16:26:36.800-06:00This is not the genre I would normally read, but I...This is not the genre I would normally read, but I would read on to see what was happening next. I'm thinking he may be turning into a werewolf or vampire.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-21509307204274493392010-02-16T10:24:07.799-06:002010-02-16T10:24:07.799-06:00I agree you tell the pain rather than show it. I d...I agree you tell the pain rather than show it. I don't have much of a reason to care about why he is in pain. I love the names, though!Lisa Stenzelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08651242092064396004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-68344993488941629812010-02-15T21:32:58.230-06:002010-02-15T21:32:58.230-06:00This isn't the genre I usually read either, bu...This isn't the genre I usually read either, but if it were, I'd probably be hooked. The writing is strong and I wonder how the MC got into this mess. Good job.Catch My Wordshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06338761214938263819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-68400881189740905142010-02-15T20:50:53.096-06:002010-02-15T20:50:53.096-06:00I'm interested to know what is happening to hi...I'm interested to know what is happening to him and why. I do agree with the above comment that if pain is consuming all his thoughts, how is he taking in everything else.MBeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17325522661963443320noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-88929028503562469902010-02-15T19:48:47.453-06:002010-02-15T19:48:47.453-06:00I'm afraid I'm going to need more than pai...I'm afraid I'm going to need more than pain to get me through this hook. I just get the image of a dude rolling back and fourth on the floor screaming and stuff..<br /><br />And then there are fantasy names and monster-y sounding names.. It's all just a bit much. It needs an anchor, in my opinion. Right now the point of these paragraphs is: some dude's in pain, and I find myself wondering why I care.<br /><br />Now, if I could FEEL what was happening to him through your descriptions, or if I understood why this change was so important or terrible (was he transforming into some demon thing to save his family from a rampaging warlord minotaur? Was he a kindly stable groom who was blessed by angels and then grabbed and corrupted by eeevyl demons?) Something needs to give his suffering merit. <br /><br />Otherwise, I fear it reads kinda' like the poetry that I wrote about myself in high school.. and that stuff wasn't pretty.Nicholas McRaehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13423319176143332749noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-36055644733209134002010-02-15T18:44:00.561-06:002010-02-15T18:44:00.561-06:00I'm not a fantasy fan, but I actually liked th...I'm not a fantasy fan, but I actually liked this a lot. Only one real quibble (though you might consider rewriting the passive "were being" in two places in the last paragraph).<br /><br />The quibble is that you said that pain was all he could think about but then you have a bunch of questions unrelated to pain in his mind. Should be easy to fix, it's just a minor logical disconnect.<br /><br />Nice job.Edward G. Talbothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07101538926701204083noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-24133199175058798832010-02-15T16:48:31.584-06:002010-02-15T16:48:31.584-06:00Another one that's not really my genre, so my ...Another one that's not really my genre, so my comments probably don't mean much, but to me it read a little forced.Josin L. McQueinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05751043333147850336noreply@blogger.com