tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post3411767901584748162..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 19Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-89875225058687288732010-05-07T16:29:42.353-05:002010-05-07T16:29:42.353-05:00You have a nice voice and good sense of fun and ac...You have a nice voice and good sense of fun and action in this query. My concern is that this subject matter, and the story itself, seems more appropriate to the middle grade audience than YA. <br /><br />I think you have room to expand on your plot arc here, if you'd like to include a few more story details. <br /><br />Nice job.Jamie Weiss Chiltonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-66257135605489041092010-04-26T16:00:26.849-05:002010-04-26T16:00:26.849-05:00I love the idea of this - and would definitely req...I love the idea of this - and would definitely request it. I really like the changes suggested above. Your voice is great and Rosy seems like my kind of princess!Heather Doughertyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06753809418516249464noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-89657283549943340192010-04-15T15:43:47.968-05:002010-04-15T15:43:47.968-05:00Fun idea. K.M. Walton put together a nice tight ve...Fun idea. K.M. Walton put together a nice tight version that captures this fun idea. I agree with the others in losing the quote.<br /><br />I would read more. :DTraci VWhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18158949570719862850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-3954072145739012192010-04-13T11:24:48.216-05:002010-04-13T11:24:48.216-05:00I agree with the quote, although good, it just doe...I agree with the quote, although good, it just doesn't work well here.<br />Novel sounds interesting, however.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-52287701124102609652010-04-12T17:18:30.336-05:002010-04-12T17:18:30.336-05:00Thanks a lot for your advice! I have been on the f...Thanks a lot for your advice! I have been on the fence about the quote. I've been getting yays and nays about it but I am liking the way you guys changed it around!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-34315807747372906852010-04-12T17:03:21.891-05:002010-04-12T17:03:21.891-05:00Quirky and original - I like the whole idea. I pl...Quirky and original - I like the whole idea. I played around with your three main paragraphs and came up with this:<br /><br />Princess Rosaline Gabriella Kingston is a tone deaf, smart-mouthed princess a few diamonds short of a beautiful tiara. No wonder her parents' efforts to get their daughter included in the princess fairy tale books always fail. <br /><br />While Rosy lacks the traditional evil stepmother, so she has to settle for her deviously innocent cousin, Lady Christina, who's determined to leapfrog Rosy to become the most famous Princess of all.<br /><br />Lady Christina succeeds by hiring a lackey to kidnap the young princess. Luckily Rosy escapes and gets saved by handsome Prince Edward. Unluckily, she hits her head against a rock during her escape and loses her memory. Stuck in another kingdom with no memory of home, it seems like happily ever after isn’t such a sure thing after all.<br /><br />(Just an idea)<br />Good luck!!K. M. Waltonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07167022736028223997noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-9796266172071591612010-04-12T16:28:23.000-05:002010-04-12T16:28:23.000-05:00I really like the voice in this - it sounds like a...I really like the voice in this - it sounds like a fun read. I can't find fault with most of this, but it threw me for a minute when the fourth paragraph starts out with "She succeeds." I thought for a minute that she succeeded in getting rid of Rosey and was now going to be the next princess.<br /><br />Enjoyed reading this.Cordelia Dinsmorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704456269484202163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-81579943475798957932010-04-12T16:22:01.568-05:002010-04-12T16:22:01.568-05:00Awesome concept! However, I think this could be ti...Awesome concept! However, I think this could be tightened up to be more effective. Typically, including quotes from your book in a query doesn't work well. I think your real hook is the "When it comes to princess greatness, Rosy is a few diamonds short of a beautiful tiara." That's a fantastic line! I'd suggest reversing that with the line before and cutting the quote and "That's what Princess Rosy would say" part. <br /><br />Also, the third paragraph should start with Lady Cristina, not a pronoun. It's unclear until the next sentence who it refers to.<br /><br />Great start, best of luck!MarcyKatehttp://www.marcykate.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-53136026196114414232010-04-12T15:13:06.424-05:002010-04-12T15:13:06.424-05:00I want to read this! It sounds like tons of fun. I...I want to read this! It sounds like tons of fun. It seems like you've got a kind of anti-hero princess thing going on and I'd love to see how it turns out. Good luck with the contest. Hope to see this on a book shelf soon ;)Natasha Roguehttp://thewritingblues.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.com