tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post5266889022036694188..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 5Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-31483556326413705412010-02-16T19:58:21.173-06:002010-02-16T19:58:21.173-06:00The thought behind it is good, but it's all ov...The thought behind it is good, but it's all over the place. No clear concise thoughts. I'm not sure if this is what you were going for. Way to much description, you need more complete thoughts.Bridget Devonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06247186618360413317noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-33244409077588242822010-02-16T18:11:46.337-06:002010-02-16T18:11:46.337-06:00I wasn't sure what was going on. It's hard...I wasn't sure what was going on. It's hard to get hooked when you're not following the story.<br /><br />It sounds like this beggar has an interesting past, but I didn't get this message until after the first paragraph. The first paragraph threw me.Catch My Wordshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06338761214938263819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-22788447863435188962010-02-16T14:19:03.436-06:002010-02-16T14:19:03.436-06:00Title got me. The first line kicked me out again. ...Title got me. The first line kicked me out again. The idea of that first sentence not being made up of sentences felt gimmicky to me. I know that's how he was thinking at the time but didn't work for me. <br /><br />The rest of it drew me back, but the "not more blood" factor left me saying "next."Nathan Lowellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09485325283120491298noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-85345070600523841062010-02-16T05:50:22.974-06:002010-02-16T05:50:22.974-06:00I seem to be in the minority here. I liked it, and...I seem to be in the minority here. I liked it, and I appreciate writing that makes me pay attention and think about what's going on. I can totally see this image in my head and am intrigued about what's going on.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07570437173288571934noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-31077187788368257072010-02-16T00:32:51.438-06:002010-02-16T00:32:51.438-06:00Echoing the above comments. You do have some good ...Echoing the above comments. You do have some good images, and I'm intrigued by the title.Michelle L. Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18144191129362767115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-60670935406815952732010-02-15T20:03:31.809-06:002010-02-15T20:03:31.809-06:00It's interesting..but some of the wording thro...It's interesting..but some of the wording throws me. Would the ground throb? Or is it more likely if he's on the ground (leaning forward maybe?) that it's his head that would be throbbing due to the blood flowing down into it?<br /><br />I agree that the 2nd paragraph and beyond pull me in better than the 1st one did.MBeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17325522661963443320noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-64817994995739843972010-02-15T19:54:16.906-06:002010-02-15T19:54:16.906-06:00Some good and some not as good here in my opinion....Some good and some not as good here in my opinion. The first paragraph is too dense and confusing. I get that you're trying to convey confusion, but you don't want to confuse the reader also :).<br /><br />After that first paragraph, it's good. I particularly like the last line. That line would hook me, though I'd be on my guard for more of the confusing writing.<br /><br />Minor quibbles, don't use italics for emphasis and caps for emphasis both in the same paragraph. Just pick one style. And typo in the first paragraph, need apostrophe for "people's"Edward G. Talbothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07101538926701204083noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-79038064507313630352010-02-15T16:32:59.380-06:002010-02-15T16:32:59.380-06:00I'm not feeling it, sorry. I may be a matter o...I'm not feeling it, sorry. I may be a matter of genre preference, but this one didn't hook my attention. Hopefully someone else with more experience in the genre will feel differently.Josin L. McQueinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05751043333147850336noreply@blogger.com