tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post6344186507618128495..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 13Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-57620545280535599532010-04-27T22:29:56.679-05:002010-04-27T22:29:56.679-05:00Is Jennifer in high school or college? If college,...Is Jennifer in high school or college? If college, this will be a difficult sell as YA, since the vast majority of YA features pre-college aged teens.<br /><br />I'd like to know more about Jennifer, so I can begin to connect with her even in the query. I'd like to get a sense of her voice. You have room to expand this query -- I recommend adding some showing details about her character. <br /><br />Who's the stalker -- mentioned only in the last sentence? This query is so short that I'm left feeling confused and unclear on the story. <br /><br />You've really boiled down the story here, too much, in my opinion. I want to get a strong sense of the story arc and main character.Jamie Weiss Chiltonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-86243927283620641192010-04-13T17:21:10.536-05:002010-04-13T17:21:10.536-05:00I agree with the above comment. Revise the first ...I agree with the above comment. Revise the first sentence so Jennifer is the subject, no the editor. Overall, this query has a very journalistic feel to it, which may represent the voice of the project, considering she's a reporter, but I think it could still have a little more personality.<br /><br />Try to write the query as if Jennifer is telling her story (even write it in first person first, then switch to 3rd person in the final draft.)<br /><br />Sounds like a great mystery premise, and it definitely stands out in the current publishing climate where paranormal and fantasy seems to be the rule.<br /><br />Good luck!Liz Czukashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15656897969180818333noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-59386440012777228382010-04-12T16:19:48.354-05:002010-04-12T16:19:48.354-05:00This is an interesting premise, but I wanted a lit...This is an interesting premise, but I wanted a little more detail. Right now, the query seems to boil down to: Someone covered up a murder, Jennifer wants to find the truth. We need a bit more than that to see how this story differs from every other murder mystery.Regan Kirkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07743064670671084192noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-45124506466455098822010-04-12T15:01:00.245-05:002010-04-12T15:01:00.245-05:00I like the premise a lot. This sounds like a grea...I like the premise a lot. This sounds like a great read. That being said, I think you're missing voice and urgency in this query. The premise is something that should be kind of spooky and urgent, but I don't feel that in the query.<br /><br />However, it does sound interesting. Good luck!Larissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08874147599272424056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-55868589516996772122010-04-12T13:32:15.841-05:002010-04-12T13:32:15.841-05:00I suggest you start with your protag taking action...I suggest you start with your protag taking action instead of starting with her in the more passive role of receiving an assignment. Sounds intriguing though.... Good luck with it!Martina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-65266118178077438432010-04-12T11:55:26.952-05:002010-04-12T11:55:26.952-05:00This sounds like a really good premise, but a litt...This sounds like a really good premise, but a little too gory maybe for me. The whole idea of a body in a kiln, though, is intriguing.<br /><br />Your second paragraph seems a bit choppy to me. Hopefully that's just my opinion. But then you just throw a stalker out there without any warning, and that throws me off. I think you need a bit more detail there.<br /><br />Good luck with this!Cordelia Dinsmorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704456269484202163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-46298271500377439062010-04-12T11:54:09.612-05:002010-04-12T11:54:09.612-05:00This sounds interesting. You've got me wonderi...This sounds interesting. You've got me wondering how she will get out of danger.Dorothy Dreyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07359417869474783409noreply@blogger.com