tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post6467150525692533483..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 10Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-73379846780249990652010-04-26T21:51:32.515-05:002010-04-26T21:51:32.515-05:00I get a strong sense of Shale's personality ri...I get a strong sense of Shale's personality right from the start -- nicely done. <br /><br />I'm a bit confused about the idea of willpower working magic. So... willpower is a force, like telekinesis? That seems more like a "real" force than a magical one. Perhaps this confusion is only mine, so take it with a grain of salt. <br /><br />This is a unique premise and an intriguing idea. Nice work.Jamie Weiss Chiltonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-11560597978614355742010-04-14T23:24:32.301-05:002010-04-14T23:24:32.301-05:00I like the opening and the stakes at the end are h...I like the opening and the stakes at the end are high. I'm confused at why Grey wants her to take over - is it because she has the greatest willpower there is. I love the premise, it is great. Good luck!J.S. Woodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09231458559331295121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-89806879381813109272010-04-13T20:30:30.446-05:002010-04-13T20:30:30.446-05:00I tended to get lost in the paragraph about Grey a...I tended to get lost in the paragraph about Grey and Shale's mother on their honeymoon. I think it would read smoother and cleaner if you trimmed that one down and got rid of some of the detail.<br /><br />I like this premise, and admire anyone who can build different worlds. It amazes me how they can do it.<br /><br />Good luck.Cordelia Dinsmorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704456269484202163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-77299227625785978342010-04-12T15:24:02.268-05:002010-04-12T15:24:02.268-05:00I like this premise. I think you might be able to...I like this premise. I think you might be able to tighten this query a bit. The second paragraph starting with Grey takes the focus off Shale, and I liked her. Maybe stick with her POV regarding Grey appealing to her competitive nature, then give us Grey's inside scoop on Kingmakers. <br /><br />The s on the place and the lack of s on the title confused me a bit.<br /><br />Finally, a tiny confusion: is Kingmakers another world completely, or more like a cult? That is unclear.<br /><br />All that being said, the premise is intriguing, and Shale sounds like a great MC. Good luck!Larissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08874147599272424056noreply@blogger.com