tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post6861215984924400313..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 22Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-18034386244264862362010-05-07T16:52:58.528-05:002010-05-07T16:52:58.528-05:00You might consider making Ben a bit older -- 16 or...You might consider making Ben a bit older -- 16 or 17, to allow you to go deeper into some of these older themes. <br /><br />I see a few instances of telling here, where I sense an adult voice: "carousing and avoiding responsibility" "seduced by the promise of glory" "cads" "smug and obnoxious."<br /><br />I'd like to get more of a sense of Ben's voice and character. <br /><br />Nice work.Jamie Weiss Chiltonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-28071867651729444082010-04-15T21:29:44.821-05:002010-04-15T21:29:44.821-05:00Ben sounds like a bit of a screw-up who wants to d...Ben sounds like a bit of a screw-up who wants to do something great, but isn't willing to do the hard work it takes to actually achieve greatness. <br /><br />If I'm reading the character right, I'd love to see more of that internal struggle. Right now it's not clear, it seems like he wants to do good but somehow it doesn't work out. <br /><br />Also, what is the Challenge Cup Tournament? How could entering it cause him to sacrifice his prestige?Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11886151771194369513noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-80598089660776095632010-04-14T23:10:51.433-05:002010-04-14T23:10:51.433-05:00This sounds like a great story. I'm going to ...This sounds like a great story. I'm going to be honest and say it didn't catch me with the voice. Can the stakes be steeper at the end, maybe there is something that happens at the Tournament or explain how "all they know" is coming to an end. <br /><br />It's very well-written and I'd love to read it. Hoe this helps, if not disregard. Good luck.J.S. Woodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09231458559331295121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-30741968883253266902010-04-13T12:29:10.037-05:002010-04-13T12:29:10.037-05:00I would consider adding a few more specifics to he...I would consider adding a few more specifics to help engage the reader in this query. As an example, is there anything notable about Ben's magic or the glory he's after? <br /><br />I'm intrigued by the concept of the third sons, assuming they're jilted because they're not in line for anything.<br /><br />I'd also consider looking at the second to last paragraph, where the last two sentences are more generic. If you can better explain what's at stake (the problem) for Ben and his friends and how he thinks a series of trials will redeem him, it would go a long way in showing how compelling this novel might be.Rangehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17235206058288756278noreply@blogger.com