tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post7078779231079641120..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : ENTRY 32Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-60639129991613988702010-01-24T17:20:20.036-06:002010-01-24T17:20:20.036-06:00I am, yet again, in agreement with jennbailey.I am, yet again, in agreement with jennbailey.Birdiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11335150122105342264noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-87462187846283465662010-01-23T20:05:52.418-06:002010-01-23T20:05:52.418-06:00Your narrator changes. Also, a voice doesn't m...Your narrator changes. Also, a voice doesn't move. A person does. Be careful of giving objects free will. We don't know if the ejected cowboy is Rainwind. Try starting with your character so we can be emotionally connected with the story. The scenario is intriguing.jennbaileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12984596786467447031noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-37689015013519337142010-01-23T18:26:38.054-06:002010-01-23T18:26:38.054-06:00Ditto what Karen said. I would cut "moving qu...Ditto what Karen said. I would cut "moving quickly in his direction." In the next sentence I would change one of the "hes" to the name of the MC. You have lots of action, just get rid of some of those commas and activate your verbs. You also echo "again." Sounds like a fun story idea. I love Westerns.Michelle L. Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18144191129362767115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-56912310793469549672010-01-23T02:13:06.897-06:002010-01-23T02:13:06.897-06:00watch your echoes : street and dusty street. And p...watch your echoes : street and dusty street. And passive voice. Use he flew backward out the door, landed flat... etc. <br /><br />Also watch your grammar. <br /><br />I love the idea of a fantasy western and I was hooked by the fight. you also give the sense of something coming. Who is the guy coming down the street... why is he fighting, and you give us a glimpse into character. Dashed back into, backwards out the door again: we get the sense that this character doesn't give up easily. good job.Karin Huddlestonhttp://www.huddlekay.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.com