tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post7196476419404425956..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Something Wicked This Way ComesUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-24197117019891096222010-02-10T18:39:10.353-06:002010-02-10T18:39:10.353-06:00Just a couple of things that jumped out at me. You...Just a couple of things that jumped out at me. Your best opening sentence is buried in the paragraph, i.e., <br /><br />My flip flops were on the floor next to me in case I was caught.<br /><br />I think that would attract more interest and help set up the scene better. Just a suggestion.<br /><br />Also, this sentence... It was late now, probably close to eleven... is telling. You could change it to showing with something like... a quick glance at my clock/radio showed the time was nearing eleven. (That's a poorly written sentence, but you get the point.)<br /><br />My only other suggestion would be to replace "shut" with "slam" regarding the sound of the door. It's more powerful and gives a greater audio impact.<br /><br />You did use a clever way of giving the reader the character's name. That can sometime prove difficult. Nicely done.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11277050810405207727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-55475712102082679372010-02-10T18:19:06.303-06:002010-02-10T18:19:06.303-06:00Hi! I love how you have this girl "trapped&qu...Hi! I love how you have this girl "trapped" within her book. Her imagination has gone wild, which makes for a lot of tension in this submission. <br /><br />My favorite part is the closet...where she tangles her hair on the hangers and sleeves. If you change this...maybe you could start with her in the closet. <br /><br />I was happy to read her name at the end! I hate not knowing what a character's name is.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-75126282696525826892010-02-10T10:59:34.120-06:002010-02-10T10:59:34.120-06:00I enjoyed the storyline, and my nit is also
the se...I enjoyed the storyline, and my nit is also<br />the set up for the clothes. I do love the<br />closet scene, a totally logical step for a<br />young girl. Their imaginations take flight,<br />thankfully, mine still does. <br />We just have to rewrite, rewrite, and check it over again. Not easy, for sure. This is a wonderful site, though.suzilynnehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14929201868355766224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-7726048404586255882010-02-10T10:13:36.784-06:002010-02-10T10:13:36.784-06:00I really like this, and I think you did a pretty g...I really like this, and I think you did a pretty good job of showing. The closet part was very nice.<br /><br />I wasn't crazy about the set up for the flip-flops, or for the clothes. It seemed a little fake, if you know what I mean. Maybe she could take a quick peek to make sure she'd left her flip-flops next to the bed, but I don't know of a way to save the reference to being cold. It just seems unnecessary except as a foil to describe her clothing.<br /><br />This is so hard!Cordelia Dinsmorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704456269484202163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-87532974756076463122010-02-10T09:33:10.782-06:002010-02-10T09:33:10.782-06:00Hmmm...now that I'm re-reading it, I definatel...Hmmm...now that I'm re-reading it, I definately could have... :) It is a lot harder than it sounds. It's one of my weak spots... Thanks!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-16612704117552542702010-02-10T08:21:48.295-06:002010-02-10T08:21:48.295-06:00Firstly, I think you did a great job here building...Firstly, I think you did a great job here building tension! A 12 yr old's mind can certainly get taken away and cause them to run and hide in the closet like that!<br /><br />I enjoyed the premise, but think you could have shown a little more than you told. It's not an easy thing, is it?MBeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17325522661963443320noreply@blogger.com