tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post7413939483383397171..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : ENTRY 23Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-67648317155697255922010-01-31T22:53:48.999-06:002010-01-31T22:53:48.999-06:00I think the main problem here is the time leap. Th...I think the main problem here is the time leap. The story seems to take place two years later. Your query should begin there. <br /><br />Also, what is Darius's telepathic ability and how can it gain a mind of its own. I'm a little confused as to what makes telepathic abilities so dangerous. <br /><br />But it sounds interesting! Best luck!lvaehttp://www.livejournal.com/~wevvlesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-24244759841055980632010-01-31T21:18:50.318-06:002010-01-31T21:18:50.318-06:00I definitely agree about tightening, and had the s...I definitely agree about tightening, and had the same question as Jess. What sets him off?<br /><br />That said, this is a very interesting concept. Well done!Amanda Morganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13076186186805723426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-48714281365997233362010-01-31T18:31:52.590-06:002010-01-31T18:31:52.590-06:00I had the same question as Jess. This doesn't ...I had the same question as Jess. This doesn't mean that it's not answered in the book, but the way it's phrased here leaves that question unanswered. Perhaps there is a different way to frame his departure from the service? At least as far as the query goes.<br /><br />I think I'd lead right into the new enemy and Colby's departure. As a whole, though, this sounds like a really interesting book. Good luck!Francescahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07892273762273248682noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-47124785996103918472010-01-31T18:13:29.584-06:002010-01-31T18:13:29.584-06:00I'm sure I'm too literal and visual for my...I'm sure I'm too literal and visual for my own good. I feel a need to know why Colby begins to wonder for the first time. Did something happen to cause him to examine his life? I'm not sure if this is something that should be included in your query, but I will say... to me, just seems like something is missing. Might not be more than a sentence but... take a look.jesshttp://www.jessyferguson.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-79950112033756060582010-01-31T16:50:25.084-06:002010-01-31T16:50:25.084-06:00I think this sounds extremely interesting, but I t...I think this sounds extremely interesting, but I think you could tighten this a bit more, especially the first paragraph. Also, the sentences in the second paragraph are REALLY long. I'd see if you can find a way to chop them up a bit. Otherwise, I really liked this. Good luck.J.A. Soudershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-5730801070562980882010-01-31T15:40:00.923-06:002010-01-31T15:40:00.923-06:00Ooooh, this sounds interesting. It has a good hook...Ooooh, this sounds interesting. It has a good hook and I would read on.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.com