tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post781862327770037083..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 8Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-63007819696395553992010-02-17T19:24:54.864-06:002010-02-17T19:24:54.864-06:00BTW - I had to sign in on an old google account wh...BTW - I had to sign in on an old google account where I was registered as "Laker" apparently. "Gregor" is my handle here (I think, lol)Lakerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08779997427462026060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-71509572941526981652010-02-17T19:22:52.202-06:002010-02-17T19:22:52.202-06:00Great comments everyone. You all have been a treme...Great comments everyone. You all have been a tremendous help. MBee - "Family Pak" is a commercial term used at a supermarket in my area and it should have had quotes around it - thanks for noticing. Michelle - great comment - "It's not my fault" should have been a sentence of its own. I wrote this in a flash and sent it off but after my email left and I read it again, I noticed the blunder.<br /><br />Yes, it is harsh. It is intended to be over the top. It's a risky approach, but I believe it will pay off. This is a WIP. The MC is not in the intro. Again - risky, but I have to do it this way. The character in the opening could be called a Co-MC however. And it's not human. <br /><br />I apologize for not reading through all of your contributions in time for the contest BTW. I wasn't able to cast a vote in time either. I have been away since 4PM Sunday loading in a show and preparing the set for a local play that starts soon. <br /><br />I'm looking forward to reading all of your entries however this Friday. I'm new here and none of you have any idea how much I appreciate your comments - all of your comments. Thank you. I hope to get to know you all better over the coming weeks. Good luck with your projects!Lakerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08779997427462026060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-45508004656149991922010-02-16T21:34:13.172-06:002010-02-16T21:34:13.172-06:00The writing is excellent and the story intriguing,...The writing is excellent and the story intriguing, but do I want to continue reading? Absolutely not. Why? Because it's disgusting, and I strongly dislike the MC. I will not spend a lot of time with a character that I do not like. <br /><br />There is definitely a market for this stuff, and you will hook many readers because you have talent; however, I quit reading Koontz twenty years ago and never liked King.Catch My Wordshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06338761214938263819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-18234884106062840712010-02-16T15:23:07.113-06:002010-02-16T15:23:07.113-06:00Could you ax "it's not my fault" fro...Could you ax "it's not my fault" from the beginning and maybe put it in a separate line after the first? It just seems to run on, and I think you'd have more punch without it.<br /><br />You're a good writer, but I don't know whether it's overblown or not since I don't read this type of thing. The rat image was powerful. *shudder*Michelle L. Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18144191129362767115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-79202929979745223782010-02-16T10:08:09.941-06:002010-02-16T10:08:09.941-06:00Not my genre, and I would have to say the hook tha...Not my genre, and I would have to say the hook that might work on some would not work with me. Personal taste, though, and not a reflection of the writing.Lisa Stenzelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08651242092064396004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-75803815599291711942010-02-16T08:47:34.995-06:002010-02-16T08:47:34.995-06:00I liked all of this one and have no crit. I loved ...I liked all of this one and have no crit. I loved the voice and it had a great hook.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-74126618420031584862010-02-16T05:57:36.330-06:002010-02-16T05:57:36.330-06:00I'm not going to quibble with anything. It'...I'm not going to quibble with anything. It's jarring, yes . . . but I like it! ;-)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07570437173288571934noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-67347011787804442392010-02-15T20:14:10.929-06:002010-02-15T20:14:10.929-06:00It intrigues , but it might be a little much. Also...It intrigues , but it might be a little much. Also, pak? Should be pack, no? (unless it's some kind of brand name I don't know about). <br /><br />I would definitely read on.MBeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17325522661963443320noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-4030107995299769162010-02-15T19:05:55.367-06:002010-02-15T19:05:55.367-06:00Hmmmm. It's a bit harsh, I think, and I lose ...Hmmmm. It's a bit harsh, I think, and I lose some interest in the narrator when confronted with (Her? His? (I like the ambiguity)) self-awesomeness. Perhaps if the threats against the reader were pulled back just a touch, it wouldn't read so, "I'll beat you up real bad."<br /><br />I did like the feeling I got when I visualized what the narrator DID to Mikey, and I love its emotionless treatment of its own gruesome deed. It just feels like this monster is trying to impress people with how ueber-bad-ass it is, and, honestly, would it care whether or not it scared me?Nicholas McRaehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13423319176143332749noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-75491373298213314922010-02-15T18:54:09.466-06:002010-02-15T18:54:09.466-06:00I think this totally rocks. I like both Carl Hiaa...I think this totally rocks. I like both Carl Hiaasen and Stephen King, and I think this has some elements of both. I'm sure I could find words to quibble with (I am a writer after all) but none jumped out at me so you're gonna have to live with all positive from me on this one.Edward G. Talbothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07101538926701204083noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-53590854173726405662010-02-15T16:39:41.613-06:002010-02-15T16:39:41.613-06:00"ask Mikey" is decidedly creepy, but I t..."ask Mikey" is decidedly creepy, but I think the rest of it's a bit over the top. Try not to hit the reader over the head with the atmosphere.<br /><br />Kind of sounds like a POV from the kid who sent people to the cornfield in the Outer Limits.Josin L. McQueinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05751043333147850336noreply@blogger.com