tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post8465564037214567294..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 39Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-73499390309861887982010-05-09T13:02:20.442-05:002010-05-09T13:02:20.442-05:00I like the "hotel-schooled" detail, but ...I like the "hotel-schooled" detail, but other than that I'm not getting much sense of Sophie's personality and voice. How can you work Sophie's voice into the query? The more I connect with her, the more I'll care about her dilemma. <br /><br />A good start.Jamie Weiss Chiltonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-57910276759238005882010-04-17T07:07:22.593-05:002010-04-17T07:07:22.593-05:00I agree with the above comment. Most of the first...I agree with the above comment. Most of the first paragraph doesn't add anything to the hook of the story. If you do a little tightening and rearranging, you might be able to work some of that info in later, when Sophie is determined to get home. Something like:<br /><br /> As magical as the new dimension seems, the dark side of power frightens Sophie, and suddenly her globe-trotting parents and her life of "hotel-schooling" doesn't seem so bad. Swearing to get home, no matter the cost, Sophie enlists the help of Luke Evan, a young native.<br /><br />Obviously you'd want to play with it yourself, but I hope that helps.<br /><br />Good luck!Liz Czukashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15656897969180818333noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-12661594663345703332010-04-14T21:01:04.931-05:002010-04-14T21:01:04.931-05:00I like the term 'hotel-schooled', I though...I like the term 'hotel-schooled', I thought that was witty, but the alternate dimension comes off as vague and undefined. Can you give readers a better description that'll pull them in?Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11886151771194369513noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-61822466955307583992010-04-13T22:26:47.638-05:002010-04-13T22:26:47.638-05:00I think you could probably cut down the query a li...I think you could probably cut down the query a little by skipping most of the first paragraph. Sophie's life before, while interesting in some ways, isn't really the hook. The hook starts when Sophie's plane goes down and she's thrown into a new dimension, right? Start there and let your premise hook them from the beginning.Sagehttp://sagelikethespice.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-48975057692902058012010-04-13T15:53:27.751-05:002010-04-13T15:53:27.751-05:00I think this is a great premise. The query is a li...I think this is a great premise. The query is a little wordy. If you could cut it down and have the sentences more succinct, it would add to the tension. <br /><br />Great job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com