tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post3797858814599373938..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : CountdownUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-56868338101918299612010-02-11T22:27:57.982-06:002010-02-11T22:27:57.982-06:00This has a nice array of senses. Some of the descr...This has a nice array of senses. Some of the descriptions were a bit overdone, though. The luminescent eyes and burning hair are a bit misleading, and don't paint a clear, unambiguous picture.<br /><br />Maia doesn't sound like a 12 year old girl. Showing is all about action (not decription), so Maia's actions show us who she as a person. There isn't much of that. There is some with the clothing, but the rest is subdued with very little action. <br /><br />Showing is all about how things happen, not that things happen. And I think if you applied your great use of senses to more action, you would have a scene that sings.Tabithahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17420910182752981979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-71961864944335929892010-02-10T18:10:12.472-06:002010-02-10T18:10:12.472-06:00Very nicely done. There's a lot of showing, an...Very nicely done. There's a lot of showing, and enough telling to break it up and give it a good rhythm. I love the attack on the senses: The ticking of the clock, the sounds of the flip flops on her feet, the stair creaking. Good visual with some tactile sense with the leaves hanging heavy in the humid air.<br /><br />Yes. Nicely done.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11277050810405207727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-3607143833990899332010-02-10T17:10:06.739-06:002010-02-10T17:10:06.739-06:00I agree. The tick tock flip tock thing was great, ...I agree. The tick tock flip tock thing was great, although I think the age reference was good as is. Part of showing is not telling, right? This is a lot harder than it seems, but I think this was awesome. Be careful about your verb tenses though. They switched on and off once or twice. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-72507141466905040032010-02-10T16:00:49.194-06:002010-02-10T16:00:49.194-06:00Super job! I love the tick flop flip tock. Very cl...Super job! I love the tick flop flip tock. Very clever. I think you covered everything very well with showing, so you understand it better than I do. <br /><br />One place stopped me dead, however. When she tossed her shorts. I wondered what in the world "summer fwap" is. Ha!Cordelia Dinsmorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704456269484202163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-85917215626525093382010-02-10T10:44:46.670-06:002010-02-10T10:44:46.670-06:00I liked the first sentence a lot! I also thought t...I liked the first sentence a lot! I also thought the description of her hair was clever. <br /><br />I think "Countdown" would benefit from Maia speaking or thinking to herself. For example, "Oh! To think I only have to survive one more night and then I'll be an official teen. I'll never have to hear the kids at school calling me a baby anymore. Fantastic!"<br /><br />Nice job with this exercise. I enjoyed it!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-74052638344398541172010-02-10T10:29:38.950-06:002010-02-10T10:29:38.950-06:00Good story layout, it carries us into
her thoughts...Good story layout, it carries us into<br />her thoughts and sets up the scene.<br /><br />There is no mention of other humans around,<br />so one could assume she is alone.suzilynnehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14929201868355766224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-54214666117085832582010-02-10T08:35:21.835-06:002010-02-10T08:35:21.835-06:00I think you've done a great job here of showin...I think you've done a great job here of showing and not telling; spaghetti straps to show the tank top, her hair the color of the bugs and the fact that it's up signifies it's long. I like the showing of her age as well along with the clever use of the clock with the flip flops! <br /><br />The only thing I don't get clearly from this is that she's necessarily home alone. Otherwise, great job and I love the final line as well!MBeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17325522661963443320noreply@blogger.com