tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post692436531562790539..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 5Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-57038195868522021742010-04-26T21:17:31.748-05:002010-04-26T21:17:31.748-05:00This query is action-packed; I know there will be ...This query is action-packed; I know there will be no lack of drama in this story. <br /><br />It seems to me that your story incorporates both YA and Middle Grade elements, which made for a confusing pitch. For example, the mention of Casper the Friendly Ghost in your first line. I know what you're getting at here, but there's a dissonance in this example because an eighteen-year-old would not watch Casper. I see what you're getting at here, but this example tripped me up. Also the historical fiction / play performance aspect struck me as more middle grade than YA. However, with an actual body count (especially on arrived at in graphic, bloody, ways), you're more in YA territory than Middle Grade. The diary element seemed more Middle Grade to me, too. Now, this is just my opinion so another agent or editor could see this completely differently. So please take my opinion as it is -- as just one opinion. <br /><br />You have a strong query structure -- no quibbles there. Nice job.Jamie Weiss Chiltonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-75836062206610053722010-04-12T20:56:51.505-05:002010-04-12T20:56:51.505-05:00Although this sounds like an interesting topic, I ...Although this sounds like an interesting topic, I would suggest condensing the query. I think you might have too much here...but I'm certainly not a query expert. Also, I think it's understood that all of us would be happy to send our work, so that part needs to be left out. Best of luck.Catch My Wordshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06338761214938263819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-29793271722846427972010-04-12T18:09:30.022-05:002010-04-12T18:09:30.022-05:00I think you're trying to tell us too much abou...I think you're trying to tell us too much about what's going on. In the first paragraph, you mention that "she has enough ghosts of her own," but you don't really elaborate on that. What haunts her?<br /><br />Also, I'm getting some passiveness from your query. Note verbs and phrases like "realizes" and "unwillingly drawn into" and "wants no part of it" don't really show proactivity on the part of your MC. It just shows us that she's going along for the ride. What does your MC want?ryan.gebharthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13650431854267039889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-70062496575845259112010-04-12T16:11:51.013-05:002010-04-12T16:11:51.013-05:00Wow. There's a lot of stuff going on in here. ...Wow. There's a lot of stuff going on in here. But it sounds interesting.<br /><br />I'm not sure if all of this needs to be included in your query - makes it read just a tad like a synopsis. I'm not saying it's bad - I don't think it is - but maybe just too much.<br /><br />I wish you good luck with this. Sounds like something I'd like to read.Cordelia Dinsmorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704456269484202163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-50202716535569888412010-04-12T13:00:15.386-05:002010-04-12T13:00:15.386-05:00This sounds like a very interesting and suspense-f...This sounds like a very interesting and suspense-filled book.<br /><br />I have a few suggestions...<br /><br />If she is a scaredy-cat, why does she have ghosts of her own? Could you lose that last sentence of the opening paragraph? Also, could the opening sentence read: Eighteen-year-old Tessa James can't even watch Casper the Friendly Ghost without nightmares, so when letters written in a foreign language appear on her nightstand, she sort of freaks out.<br /><br />Could you shorten this sentence to?:<br />A bizarre series of accidents plague the theatre staff.<br /><br />Good luck!!K. M. Waltonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07167022736028223997noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-75611901032677328812010-04-12T12:05:48.484-05:002010-04-12T12:05:48.484-05:00This is something I would love to read.This is something I would love to read.Dorothy Dreyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07359417869474783409noreply@blogger.com