tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post8414272791442190583..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 6Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-91485403253553184672010-04-26T21:27:28.768-05:002010-04-26T21:27:28.768-05:00I think you'd have a much stronger if you star...I think you'd have a much stronger if you start with the second paragraph. <br /><br />With or without the first paragraph, I want to get a stronger sense of the plot from your summary. Phrases like "renewed friendship with James..." are too vague to situate me in the story. <br /><br />I'm not sure why Callie has nowhere left to turn. <br /><br />Phrases like "football stud" and "cool crowd" are a concern, because these are an adult's voice. I want to get a better sense of Callie's voice. <br /><br />Nice use of comp titles; I don't think you need the style comps, or to let the reader know that these authors influenced your writing.I think you'd have a much stronger if you start with the second paragraph. <br /><br />With or without the first paragraph, I want to get a stronger sense of the plot from your summary. Phrases like "renewed friendship with James..." are too vague to situate me in the story. <br /><br />I'm not sure why Callie has nowhere left to turn. <br /><br />Phrases like "football stud" and "cool crowd" are a concern, because these are an adult's voice. I want to get a better sense of Callie's voice. <br /><br />Nice use of comp titles; I don't think you need the style comps, or to let the reader know that these authors influenced your writing.Jamie Weiss Chiltonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-3319900513257804412010-04-12T16:08:10.911-05:002010-04-12T16:08:10.911-05:00I agree with the previous two comments. It sounds...I agree with the previous two comments. It sounds like you have a fairly complicated story, but for your query you want to boil it down to its basic elements. It's hard to tell here whether Callie normally lives in our world or whether her world is naturally skewed. It's also (as Trisha said) not clear how the different plot elements tie together.<br /><br />I'd recommend cutting the sentence about your writing style being akin to Hamilton and Harrison, also--your voice and writing style should be evident from your query and/or sample pages.Regan Kirkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07743064670671084192noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-20544420377411409662010-04-12T13:04:47.001-05:002010-04-12T13:04:47.001-05:00I agree with Trisha(above) in that your book sound...I agree with Trisha(above) in that your book sounds interesting but your query could use some shortening.<br /><br />Your opening sentence, could it read: "...sixteen year old Callie Michaels can no longer deny the strange things happening to her."<br /><br />Second paragraph idea:<br />Her best friend, Tammy, shuts her out. Renewed friendship with James, gets weird when he confides that his family and close friends live by the rules of the jungle, but can divulge nothing else. Secrets make it hard to know who to trust.<br /><br />Good luck!!K. M. Waltonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07167022736028223997noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-61599427492264855932010-04-12T12:09:01.447-05:002010-04-12T12:09:01.447-05:00I think you have a really interesting idea here, b...I think you have a really interesting idea here, but it's buried under lots of words. I think more concise, to the point paragraphs might be easier to follow - I'm not getting how the panther, the football guy's family, and demons connect to form the plot.Trisha Leighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00356610648183348015noreply@blogger.com