tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post8460383891323703407..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 47Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-69096951568284128912010-05-10T11:30:05.821-05:002010-05-10T11:30:05.821-05:00Nice opening. The detail about last names is a goo...Nice opening. The detail about last names is a good example of a "showing" detail. <br /><br />I'd like to make a stronger connection with Elizabeth in this query -- I don't feel like I can relate to her. Perhaps you could work in more character development details. <br /><br />Nice work.Jamie Weiss Chiltonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-29023034325667452862010-04-15T16:49:48.939-05:002010-04-15T16:49:48.939-05:00Thanks for the comments everyone! I'm gonna t...Thanks for the comments everyone! I'm gonna take the letter back to the drawing board for some work :)hesternoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-76648137670158046272010-04-14T12:51:01.244-05:002010-04-14T12:51:01.244-05:00Great concept, but it sounds more sci-fi than fant...Great concept, but it sounds more sci-fi than fantasy to me.<br /><br />Also, you need a more clearly defined hook that outlines the main stakes for your MC. Perhaps make the robbery/kidnapping the hook, then go into a little more world-building detail.<br /><br />Good luck!MarcyKatenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-17497088763518872692010-04-14T11:46:06.156-05:002010-04-14T11:46:06.156-05:00The above commenters have touched on my only criti...The above commenters have touched on my only critical remarks, but I just wanted to say that I love the concept and the voice, and I'd definitely pick this up in a bookstore!Rebecca Mahoneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00646664373171892130noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-81410039963639828622010-04-13T13:02:14.131-05:002010-04-13T13:02:14.131-05:00I think this is an interesting concept, but I tend...I think this is an interesting concept, but I tend to agree with Kara. A little too much detail. I've seen on several blogs a good way to break down a query is:<br /><br />1: Who is the MC?<br />2: What do they want?<br />3: What will happen if they don't get/achieve it?<br /><br />You have a great start with this, it just needs a little more work.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-30403381204185501562010-04-13T12:55:55.499-05:002010-04-13T12:55:55.499-05:00I think you might have a little too much detail in...I think you might have a little too much detail in this query. I found myself tripping trying to keep up with all of the elements. I like the voice though, and it's an interesting concept.Karahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15180833967091158106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-33640750095837253352010-04-13T10:11:06.792-05:002010-04-13T10:11:06.792-05:00This sounds like a video game my brother plays. Th...This sounds like a video game my brother plays. That said, it sounds exciting - good luck with it!Dorothy Dreyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07359417869474783409noreply@blogger.com