tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post8526597252816079264..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 3Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-16901042370348697842010-02-16T20:00:03.096-06:002010-02-16T20:00:03.096-06:00I like this. It could use a little more though to ...I like this. It could use a little more though to draw me in further.Bridget Devonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06247186618360413317noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-2843420711481990312010-02-16T18:03:52.804-06:002010-02-16T18:03:52.804-06:00Although the wording sounds pretty, you have overw...Although the wording sounds pretty, you have overwritten this piece. This makes it harder to get hooked. Words should be invisible when reading.Catch My Wordshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06338761214938263819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-78668471822880567672010-02-16T14:06:59.763-06:002010-02-16T14:06:59.763-06:00I hate to "me, too" this but I'm gon...I hate to "me, too" this but I'm gonna. <br /><br />The two long sentences in the middle took me out of the story and into Bulwer-Lytton territory. By the time I got to "So..." I'd forgotten that she'd been expecting it.Nathan Lowellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09485325283120491298noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-69045604061990197592010-02-16T10:03:14.252-06:002010-02-16T10:03:14.252-06:00I admit I got lost in the description, as well. Go...I admit I got lost in the description, as well. Good suspense building, though. Good job!Lisa Stenzelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08651242092064396004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-91143753407928182172010-02-16T00:26:22.680-06:002010-02-16T00:26:22.680-06:00The scene is well set, although I reread to find o...The scene is well set, although I reread to find out exactly what was happening. Maybe just shorten some sentences. I especially like the last line, and want to know what happens next. *shiver*<br /><br />Pretty sure I've been on that highway in MO.Michelle L. Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18144191129362767115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-53872580427173419942010-02-15T20:18:47.074-06:002010-02-15T20:18:47.074-06:00I agree - a little wordy, but not sure what
you ar...I agree - a little wordy, but not sure what<br />you are trying to tell us. First sentence needs a little tweaking, but the idea seems soundsuzilynnehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14929201868355766224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-4295251460190680422010-02-15T20:16:46.422-06:002010-02-15T20:16:46.422-06:00Not sure what all the tick boxes on the right side...Not sure what all the tick boxes on the right side bar are about, but anyway.<br /><br />I am told by those who know about such things that the first line is crucial. Yours works fine for me = builds suspense.Maddyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05828186178060722812noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-29177609163998491052010-02-15T19:55:44.252-06:002010-02-15T19:55:44.252-06:00Honestly, I'm not quite sure what's going ...Honestly, I'm not quite sure what's going on here. You're painting an interesting picture, but at the same time, it's not telling us all that much. I would also look to improve on that first sentence as they say it's so important.MBeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17325522661963443320noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-42707419882884932010-02-15T19:11:28.866-06:002010-02-15T19:11:28.866-06:00Oh, man, I think I'm going to have to agree th...Oh, man, I think I'm going to have to agree that it seems just a tiny bit overwritten. Not so much in a bad way, but it's the first thing a publisher is going to see, and s/he may wonder if the whole thing continues along those lines. Not that it isn't a pretty picture - but I want to get to the meat a little more quickly.<br /><br />I might be hooked, but I'm not quite sure.Cordelia Dinsmorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704456269484202163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-87552134295039818022010-02-15T17:27:48.202-06:002010-02-15T17:27:48.202-06:00I liked the hook at the end, but there were too ma...I liked the hook at the end, but there were too many words to get to that point. Maybe add a little action to the scene, like what she was doing while driving.<br /><br />Maybe tighten the first part a little. I would read on though to see what happened.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-63620316102272693952010-02-15T16:29:28.543-06:002010-02-15T16:29:28.543-06:00I think you may be trying so hard to paint a pictu...I think you may be trying so hard to paint a picture that you're drowning your canvas in color. Pull back a bit and choose more precise words.Josin L. McQueinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05751043333147850336noreply@blogger.com