tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post8560525255325012125..comments2023-08-06T04:09:05.980-05:00Comments on Cornell DeVille : Entry 45Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-1488852306727235362010-05-10T11:02:53.840-05:002010-05-10T11:02:53.840-05:00This query reads like an unfinished synopsis. This...This query reads like an unfinished synopsis. This is an interesting setting, and I recommend you focus on tightening the description.Jamie Weiss Chiltonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-16099433588591955812010-04-14T19:59:03.242-05:002010-04-14T19:59:03.242-05:00Sorry about the muddle. That's what happens wh...Sorry about the muddle. That's what happens when you rush anything. I just dived in to beat the clock :(<br />Won't be doing that again.<br /><br /><b>In the Shadow of Vesuvius</b> is complete at 31,000 words, and would appeal to middle grade teachers as well as YA readers.Davinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-6993575195441752952010-04-14T13:06:06.195-05:002010-04-14T13:06:06.195-05:00Love the concept and story here... unique and inte...Love the concept and story here... unique and interesting.<br /><br />You query needs a tad bit of work (some cutting and the last pp being read allowed to see what words are missing).<br /><br />Id be interested in reading the first three chapters - Id love to see how the setting is portrayed!<br /><br />Well done!Wanitanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-17535394529916765622010-04-14T10:10:03.535-05:002010-04-14T10:10:03.535-05:00Really like your concept. I've been to Pompei;...Really like your concept. I've been to Pompei; it was fascinating and sad- very fertile ground for stortytelling. <br /><br />I liked the query's start. I was nodding my head as I read-but, started to get bogged down by the middle. And I really didn't even understand the second to last sentence. I think its missing a verb. <br /><br />So I suggest nixing most of the stuff after "childhood home." And jumping to "Although given her freedome by Serena..."<br /><br />And finishing with a bit about you and a thanks for reading sort of paragraph.<br /><br />Good luck. This is a story I'd like to read.sbjameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06986950185596914217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-42132555226409039892010-04-13T16:06:24.882-05:002010-04-13T16:06:24.882-05:00This query is sounding more like a summary or syno...This query is sounding more like a summary or synopsis than a query. It sounds as though you have plenty of conflict, but I'm confused especially by the last paragraph.<br /><br />Also Mira has spent half of her life in the slave town, I don't know that the draw home would be as strong--maybe shorten the time she's been a slave.<br /><br />Try to boil the plot down and go from there--In one or two sentences state Mira's past and chance to return home, and then list just a few of the obstacles she'll have to overcome to get home.<br /><br />Don't forget to add your word count to your query.<br /><br />The story sounds interesting. Good luck!Mimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08685941102691667990noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8939951804632494408.post-55137253619811618872010-04-13T13:10:22.255-05:002010-04-13T13:10:22.255-05:00Very interesting concept! I do think the query sha...Very interesting concept! I do think the query shares too much information. I've heard a query should convey some very simple points.<br /><br />1: Who is MC?<br />2: What do they want?<br />3: What happens if they don't achieve/get it?<br /><br />You already have tension built into the story, because we all know what happened to Vesuvius. Good job, just try to simplify.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com