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Strange things happen in this place.
When the air grows cold, and leaves begin to turn, it is more than wind that moves through tangled branches, stripping them bare.
There is energy here. For generations it has slept, lying dormant and ingrained.
But no longer.
It grows in the now empty fields, and runs the shoreline - repelling the tide by sheer force of will. It could be called a force of nature unto itself - were it natural. It is not.
To be fair, neither am I.
I keep the truth: a dangerous calling when there are those who would see the truth forgotten. Buried like the dead.
This must not be so... it will not be so.
I alone know the secrets of this place, for only I remember them - and so they survive. Secrets held in gnarled roots, the very foundations of this place Secrets so wide in scope and intricate in being that they form it; keep it afloat.
Things too fantastic to be real, and far to real to be fantasy.
I really like this voice. And here's a perfect example of where something close to "telling" works better than showing would (IMO). The only thing I'll say/ask is whether we find out pretty soon what the strange things and secrets are. By the time I get to the end of what you've posted, I'm ready to move on from the foreshadowing.
ReplyDeleteBut good job!
I love the implication.. I kinda don't love the execution.
ReplyDeleteMystical, old, terrible energies are always lying dormant until the first pages of this very book, or that very book, or this movie, or that TV pilot.
It would be a shame for this story to feel cliche', and even though a story must begin at the beginning, there are many ways to pull a cynical reader in. bUt there are also many ways to push them away.
"but no longer" It's such a powerful notion. Stop and think.. This is the moment it changes. What was once is NO LONGER. That's important! But we've become so jaded that we don't care any more.
"I wish that were still true."
"It hasn't been still for a year now."
"But the tranquility is an illusion."
They all take the same idea and twist it slightly -- just enough to make the old dog perk up and go, "eh? Things ain't the way I thought they was? Tell me more"
Yeah, I think that one sentence is the only weak point for me, personally. If the narrator had been dealing with this for days, weeks, years before *I* arrived to perceive the story, then I'd be hooked -- I'd feel even more involved. Or if the hell hasn't broken out yet, I could cling to the hope that terrible things could be averted..
Just a subtle twist. :)
Honestly, it doesn't do much for me. I think the opening sentence is a bit dull. It needs a little more punch to pull one in.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested to know why the narrator isn't "natural" but that's about it.
The writing is very smooth and pretty, but I'm not hooked. Maybe its the vagueness of "strange things happening" or the telling of the energy versus showing. To hook me (personally), I need a lot of action versus a scene being told to me. Sorry Edward, but I totally disagree with your comment. I want to be shown.
ReplyDeleteOh, I agree with Edward. But it does go on a bit long.
ReplyDeleteThe voice of this is very nice and I would keep reading. It has lulled me into a sense of everything is fine and dandy, and la-de-da, but only if something slams into me like an unexpected freight train from this point on.
I loved the voice, but hope I wouldn't have to read much further to find out what it's all about. I would read on though.
ReplyDelete