Parents! I mean, I am twelve. I thought they would never leave. They’re only at a neighbour’s house party.
The summer heat is starting to mellow as the sun disappears. I locked and double checked the doors and windows. Crazy! Nothing ever happens in Deadsville. No one else is here. I plug into my walkman, dancing to ACDC, munching on Cheese Dip and chips. Usually, a definite no-no. Shaking my long, black ponytail, it catches on the cord and whips the earphones off and onto the floor. The sudden quiet shocks me. My fav horror movie of all time, Friday the 13th , was on earlier. Do not think about that, idiot!
“Crash! Bang! Crash!” Was that from downstairs? No, outside, I think. Panic flutters. Goosebumps. “Susan, get real. Your imagination needs a leash. It’s breezy tonight, something was knocked over, probably a garbage can”. I listen, but nope, nothing more. I am definitely not going down in the basement to look. “AAAh! Oh no! Cheese Dip! right down the front of my tank top! and of course it’s on my white shorts too!” Angrily, I put on my flip-flops, and head down the hall to the bathroom…
“Susan, dear, we’re home”. The light from the hallway shines on a pool of blood.
Silence.
Screams.
Oooh, there must have been more than one someone else in the house. Pretty creepy.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job of getting everything with showing, except for the fact that she was alone. The short sentence "No one else is here" just kind of jumped out there at me. Maybe you could have given us that information earlier, when you said mom and dad were at the neighbors, then add something like, "leaving me and my walkman here to chill alone," or something like that.
I like a lot of your description. Gives us a good picture of the scene.
Susan is in for a scary night! I liked the tone of this and it made me think that you could've had Susan reading out loud as she wrote in her diary. That way, she would be talking and writing...then suddenly frightened out of her mind.
ReplyDeleteSusan sounds like a typical twelve-year old girl. I like how you captured that!
Whether it's my own imagination or not, I could see myself doing the exact same things Susan does (and I'm not twelve...maybe I just act young...). I think it's awesome, btw, that she listens to ACDC. The end definately left me with chills.
ReplyDeleteGood job on using showing. I don't have too much to criticize on this. There's only one suggestion I could make. This line...
ReplyDeleteI listen, but nope, nothing more.
Could be changed to increase the tension and show a bit more, such as...
My ears strain, listening for any sound. Nothing but dead silence.
Just a suggestion.
Nice touch of humor and gore all rolled into one interesting story. You have a cute voice of a 12 year old too.
ReplyDeleteWatch for tense changes in mid-story. I find it difficult to start a story in present tense and stay there.
Your third paragraph was a bit much with the choppy sentences. I suspect you did this on purpose, but to me it was overdone. You never want your story to trip over your words.
Well done! Is this contemporary? I ask because of the walkman. Are those still in use? They very well may be--my kids only use ipods. The line that caught me a little off was the mention of hair color. These are tricky, especially in first person, and I don't know how you could've done it any other way. Do love how it causes her earplugs to fly out. Good writing!
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