UGLY DOGS KNOW THE TRUTH
Every girl loves a birthday party. That’s what my foster mom, Miss Donna, kept saying. She figured a big party for my twelfth birthday would be a great way for me to meet all the kids in my new neighborhood. I knew it was a mistake. Long before Miss Donna put the candles on the cake, and long before the kids showed up, I knew it was a bad idea. By the time the police got there, Miss Donna agreed with me.
Love this title! Very strong opening. Just a thought: I knew it was a mistake. Long before Miss Donna put the candles on the cake, and long before the kids showed up, I knew this party was a bad idea. By the time the police got there, Miss Donna agreed with me.
ReplyDeleteWhat if you started with that for the first paragraph, then added the other info? Either way, great hook!
The start of this one didn't grab me, but the end certainly did. If there's any way to retool the first couple of sentences, you'll have a knockout.
ReplyDeleteI agree, I would reverse the sentences, but you hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna third this... By the end of the hook, I was all.. O.o Whaaaa?! Must know how!
ReplyDeleteAgreed, the opening sentence needs more oomph, but by then end it pulls you in.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually going to disagree with the others and say I think the order of your sentences works quite well at building suspense. I definitely want to know what happens next. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Melissa that you succeeded at building the suspense, however, adding to the opening sentence. I would read further to find out more.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Michelle about switching sentences around a bit, especially bringing the fourth to the front of the pack. It does indeed hook the reader better. As it stands right now, it's kind of "meh" until the end, and the fourth and fifth sentences right beside one another are a bit repetitive.
ReplyDeleteI think this could be a stronger hook with less telling and more showing, but I love the title. I would probably read on.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't repeat the phrase "long before" and would look for some more specific or stronger words. Ie., replace big, great, bad, etc.