THE DANCE
“Dance with me, Daddy.”
I pretended I didn’t hear.
“Please?”
My five year old daughter was persistent.
“Kadence, I’m watching television.”
“Can’t you stop?”
The movie was a good one.
“Honey, I’ll dance with you some other time. Find something else to do, ok?”
She left without answering. Soon I caught the sound of rustling paper and click-clacking of crayons on the kitchen table.
Returning to the living room, she taped a sheet of paper on the end of the couch.
A few minutes later she called from the kitchen, “Daddy, did you read the note?”
“No, was I supposed to?”
“Yes. I wrote it for you.”
With my attention on the movie, I reached over and pulled the paper off the couch. In her childish scrawl, she had written:
On the bottom part of the paper was a drawing of two halves of a heart, colored in bright red.
Raising my voice, I said, “I read your note. Thanks. It’s really cute.”
She edged into the room, her little face serious.
“It’s not supposed to be cute, Daddy. It’s a broken heart. You broke my heart when you didn’t wanna dance with me.”
I don't like the narrator, which I'm assuming is the intended result. The problem with that is that - if he's narrating the whole story, and he's got the same mannerisms, I don't want to listen to this guy for that long.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is fine, but this doesn't work as a hook for me. It might be fine in the middle of a chapter or something. I do feel a twinge at the last line, but not enough for me to want to find out more.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
Now, if she grows up to put a few bullets into daddy, then I can see where this is going, but perhaps *that* should be the opening line.
ReplyDelete"I wish you had danced with me, Daddy," My little Kadence said as she squeezed the trigger for a fifth time.
As it is, though, I am too -- too -- too scared that the poor little girl will spend her whole life broken hearted by a Father who can't pull his head out of his @$$ long enough to be a parent.
I couldn't read more -- not even for the hope that he makes things better. I couldn't risk them only getting worse.
This hook needs hope.. or blood.. ..
..
or a ninja robot.
It doesn't strike me as a hook. There's not enough going on to make me really want to read more...Needs a little action. Maybe little Kadence should have used a nail gun to pin the note to daddy's chest.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really cute story and something I would want to read, but I'm not hooked into it as if I have to read like this contest proposes. The voice is great and you are good at dialog, but I would suggest adding a little more setting mixed into the dialog. Good job over all.
ReplyDeleteI really, really like this but I agree, something startling needs to happen to get this off to a hookier (?) start.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could write me into it and I could slam a cast-iron skillet into dad's dense head so that he notices his poor little girl for a few minutes.
You're a good writer. I just don't see where this is headed as a novel, but I could see it in a short story. In fact, you've told an entire story in just these few words, one with a powerful message. It's almost like a short parable, with the name "Kadence." Unfortunately, most people don't want that direct a message right off, no matter how well written.
ReplyDelete