CROSSROADS
Jenna Lyons knew it would happen. She had come to count on it as something that was fated or, perhaps, due to the alignment of something more astrological in nature. From the moment dread began to weave itself into a heavy cloak around her body, tightening its grip on her until she felt suffocated and out of breath, she knew she was hurtling toward the crossroads of a major turning point in her life, just as sure as she was driving down a desolate stretch of Missouri highway. She’d traveled for long miles and equally long minutes without seeing so much as another car or house in the distant fields, let alone a sign or exit ramp that would lead her to a gas pump. So when her little toy of a car began to sputter, it came as no real surprise. She coaxed the car to the shoulder of the road with finesse, threw it in park, and wondered, not for the first time, what the Hell she was doing so far from home.
I think you may be trying so hard to paint a picture that you're drowning your canvas in color. Pull back a bit and choose more precise words.
ReplyDeleteI liked the hook at the end, but there were too many words to get to that point. Maybe add a little action to the scene, like what she was doing while driving.
ReplyDeleteMaybe tighten the first part a little. I would read on though to see what happened.
Oh, man, I think I'm going to have to agree that it seems just a tiny bit overwritten. Not so much in a bad way, but it's the first thing a publisher is going to see, and s/he may wonder if the whole thing continues along those lines. Not that it isn't a pretty picture - but I want to get to the meat a little more quickly.
ReplyDeleteI might be hooked, but I'm not quite sure.
Honestly, I'm not quite sure what's going on here. You're painting an interesting picture, but at the same time, it's not telling us all that much. I would also look to improve on that first sentence as they say it's so important.
ReplyDeleteNot sure what all the tick boxes on the right side bar are about, but anyway.
ReplyDeleteI am told by those who know about such things that the first line is crucial. Yours works fine for me = builds suspense.
I agree - a little wordy, but not sure what
ReplyDeleteyou are trying to tell us. First sentence needs a little tweaking, but the idea seems sound
The scene is well set, although I reread to find out exactly what was happening. Maybe just shorten some sentences. I especially like the last line, and want to know what happens next. *shiver*
ReplyDeletePretty sure I've been on that highway in MO.
I admit I got lost in the description, as well. Good suspense building, though. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI hate to "me, too" this but I'm gonna.
ReplyDeleteThe two long sentences in the middle took me out of the story and into Bulwer-Lytton territory. By the time I got to "So..." I'd forgotten that she'd been expecting it.
Although the wording sounds pretty, you have overwritten this piece. This makes it harder to get hooked. Words should be invisible when reading.
ReplyDeleteI like this. It could use a little more though to draw me in further.
ReplyDelete