Monday, February 15, 2010

Entry 20

MIDNIGHT KNOCKING

Everyone jokes about the little Devil and Angel on their shoulders.  My problem is that I actually have them.

They’re annoying as hell, but they’re also very persuasive.

To make matters worse, I sleepwalk, and those two never sleep.  I’m never entirely sure where I’ve been or what I’ve done.

Which is why I couldn’t entirely convince myself I wasn’t guilty when a body showed up with my fingerprints on it.

10 comments:

  1. Short and to the point, but I think this one could have benefited from a few extra words.

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  2. Yeah, I'm hooked, but I agree you could have given us a bit more here so that we could tie in the devil and angel with the sleepwalking and the body. As is, I don't know what they have to do with him sleepwalking, or what he has to do with them never sleeping.

    It might be an interesting concept. Hmmm.

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  3. LOVE IT!

    But it needs a touch more. You can easily grow every one of those points by a sentence or two and not lose any of its impact. I find myself wanting to know what they look like, what they smell like. Their voices, their mannerisms.. how much they weigh on your shoulders.. EVERYTHING!

    Strengthen up your verbiage a little, and you have one HELL of a hook.. I'm sorry, I mean one HEAVEN of a hook.. No wait...

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  4. Love the concept! Something a little different. I wasn't sure I expected a body..would the angle let the devil part do something soooo horrific? I'd definitely want to read on.

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  5. This is really cute! You had 200 words and I would have liked to have seen you use them with a little more detail, but it's a great idea for a story.

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  6. Great hook! I'd definitely love to read more.

    I think you could add in a bit more about how the sleepwalking and the Angel/Devil are connected. That would make your last sentence even stronger.

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  7. Love the concept, and yes, please do add more. It would make your hook more stronger and more effective. I would read on.

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  8. Yeah, I agree with LB - more words, but I
    would definitely read more...

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  9. I agree with everyone else. A great hook, but you could have added more.

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  10. This is fresh! And funny. Did you intend to use entirely twice or was it an oversight? Just a nit. Last line is great. More meat, please! Build this up a bit and it'll be even better.

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