Monday, February 15, 2010

Entry 4


Another night and more echoes of death. Rykar’s world swims with the hues of red and black now. The cries of the dead heavy on his ears, he can’t help but see the blood running along the streets. The world continues to be thrown further into chaos. When would it end?

"Where the hell is he?" He turns to the starlit sky as he moves through the night, his feet swift as the wind. "I know you're close Gerad. Don’t cower in the shadows." He'd followed his target from the States but had lost him the night he’d entered San Pedro. Still, his scent was strong. Their last battle he'd gotten the upper hand and left a mark on his adversary, a needed advantage. The wound wouldn’t vanish, regardless of how strong his enemy's magic was.

His mind drew back to Arieana’s words, their truth worth more than most of his training had been. “Keep this with you at all times. Coat your blades. Do not fight without it.” He’d believed her and never once forgot. Their race was strong and could heal fast, but her concoction had proved to slow that process. That small edge was more than enough.


  1. Pay really close attention to the tenses in this. They'll trip you up - especially if you're using present.

  2. Not totally hooked, partly because I had difficulty in a few places. I'm just not used to reading this genre, and I think that's my biggest problem, not your writing.

    But the tense shifts do slow me down somewhat.

  3. Good opening sentence. I'm curious since you mention it's in the states, but the characters have some very interesting names. I'm wondering the time period as well. I don't know that I'm totally hooked, but I'd probably keep reading just to see what comes next.

    I'll agree with the tense issue. It's something I have a lot of problems with as well so be sure to pay attention to it during editing.

  4. I need a little more solid scene footing. Wasn't sure of the time frame or local. Ditto the tense remarks. Also watch cliches: "fast as the wind."

  5. I agree with shifts in tense making the passage difficult to read. I also question the names and location, but obviously I'm not getting the entire picture with such a short passage. I think I'd continue reading for at least another few pages to see if you could hold my attention.

  6. Huh? I'm not a fantasy reader so this sort of threw me. You have some beautiful verbage but it's no good when the meaning is lost...or is it just me? Words should be invisible when reading. To me, this was overwritten.


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