LOST AT SEA
“I will be free someday and no one will ever control me again,” Alex said out loud, as if doing so would etch it in stone and somehow make it real. She pictures herself walking down a narrow, cobblestone street on a beautiful summer morning. She stops to smell the flowers at the small, flower cart. She smells the vibrant red roses and the delicate pink carnations, but chooses a lovely, white bouquet of daisies for the vase on her kitchen table. She then wanders into the corner coffee shop and Joe waves as he fills her usual order. Mrs. Benson says hello to her as she sits with Mrs. Jones, sipping coffee and have their weekly gossip session. She leaves the coffee shop, crosses the street, and walks the sidewalk towards her small cottage, whistling her favorite lullaby that her mama would sing to her when she was a small girl. “Hush little baby, don't say a word. Papa's gonna buy you a mocking bird.” It was her favorite and most cherished memory of her mama.
“Alexandria!” She was jolted back to reality with a sharp blow to her face, the sting of it somehow dulled by the recognition of the touch.
Be brutal with your tenses. You switch within the first couple of lines. Also watch for the number of times you start consecutive sentences with "She". It creates a homogenized appearance that will make even exciting writing read as boring.
ReplyDeleteI agree, be careful with the tenses. It's the first thing I noticed. Also, you're telling us a lot, rather than showing us (see the previous challenge on this site) and it ends up making the story a little dull.
ReplyDeleteI understand she has gone into her mind and visualizes all of the details, but that makes them a little bit boring for me, the reader, knowing they aren't reality.
ReplyDeleteThe ending is almost enough to hook me, but I don't know who this familiar person is. Is it friend or foe?
I agree with what Josin said about the tenses and usage of "she." Still, I'd read further to find out what's going on. :-)
ReplyDeleteYup yup.
ReplyDeleteTense trouble and not the good kind. I'd give ya another paragraph or two, but present tense is a bear to do well and you've not convinced me that it's needed here.
I wouldn't start with a flashback. I'd start with the slap. That's when I began to be intrigued. It's a good line, too.
ReplyDeleteYou had a tense change that jarred me. You started with said (past) and then moved to the present tense.
ReplyDeleteYour closing line is a real "slap in the face," har, har, but I needed the slap sooner. All this talk about flowers, etc. was too mundane to hold my interest. Maybe you'd do better to tighten it.
It was interesting how you got me in a la, la mood then jarred me awake.
I agree with the others. I like it though. You could change a few things. All the scenes sort of run together.
ReplyDeleteThe tense change was very hard for me to get past. I liked the mental picture you gave, but it was also very choppy. What did the coffee shop look like? What coffee did she get? I understand that it's a flashback, but the abruptness of it all left me a little put out.
ReplyDeleteUnless of course, you're going for abrupt. Kind of like the slap. Then, this is a completely different beast. (The tense thing, though...that's gotta be fixed.) I am really curious as to why the touch was familiar.