Monday, February 15, 2010

Entry 13


Searing pain.  That was all Ral could think about. In the back of his mind, questions streamed like the babblings of a madman.

Why was I chosen?  Why does it hurt so much?  What will Aleen think?  Will I be a monster?

These were the questions he wanted to ask, but could not.  The pain was too great, and dominated his every conscious thought.  Through the haze he could make out the dark chamber in which he lay.  He knew vaguely that his wrists and ankles were chained to a stone altar.  He saw the monstrous shape of the dragon, Kerivaxx, looming over him.  The beast’s eyes glowed a malevolent yellow.  It’s toothy maw was open, and a green glowing light emanated forth, enveloping the man.

The pain began in his chest, as if some unseen object were being forced through his skin and inside his ribcage.  As the “object” settled inside him, the pain subsided a bit and then began to spread throughout his body.  He could feel his muscles strain, and sharp stabs of pain were accompanied by a dull popping sound, as if his joints were being pulled apart.  Ral arched his back and screamed in agony. 


  1. Another one that's not really my genre, so my comments probably don't mean much, but to me it read a little forced.

  2. I'm not a fantasy fan, but I actually liked this a lot. Only one real quibble (though you might consider rewriting the passive "were being" in two places in the last paragraph).

    The quibble is that you said that pain was all he could think about but then you have a bunch of questions unrelated to pain in his mind. Should be easy to fix, it's just a minor logical disconnect.

    Nice job.

  3. I'm afraid I'm going to need more than pain to get me through this hook. I just get the image of a dude rolling back and fourth on the floor screaming and stuff..

    And then there are fantasy names and monster-y sounding names.. It's all just a bit much. It needs an anchor, in my opinion. Right now the point of these paragraphs is: some dude's in pain, and I find myself wondering why I care.

    Now, if I could FEEL what was happening to him through your descriptions, or if I understood why this change was so important or terrible (was he transforming into some demon thing to save his family from a rampaging warlord minotaur? Was he a kindly stable groom who was blessed by angels and then grabbed and corrupted by eeevyl demons?) Something needs to give his suffering merit.

    Otherwise, I fear it reads kinda' like the poetry that I wrote about myself in high school.. and that stuff wasn't pretty.

  4. I'm interested to know what is happening to him and why. I do agree with the above comment that if pain is consuming all his thoughts, how is he taking in everything else.

  5. This isn't the genre I usually read either, but if it were, I'd probably be hooked. The writing is strong and I wonder how the MC got into this mess. Good job.

  6. I agree you tell the pain rather than show it. I don't have much of a reason to care about why he is in pain. I love the names, though!

  7. This is not the genre I would normally read, but I would read on to see what was happening next. I'm thinking he may be turning into a werewolf or vampire.

  8. I was with you until the dragon. I don't know why the appearance of the dragon snapped me completely out of the scene. Maybe, as has been mentioned, you just need to anchor us a bit more in the setting. Some good writing here, I just wasn't ready to believe in a dragon yet.


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