Monday, February 15, 2010

Entry 22


My confined arm began to shake violently as the sharp needle inched forward, daring to prick my skin.  Sweat rolled down my forehead as the cold metal reached me.  I tried vainly to push back, forcing the needle much deeper, and instantly raising a violet bruise.  "Stop, don't...," I scrambled for words as the hooded face exhaled down on me.  My body willingly drank the liquid from the glass, as I laid my head back in the chair.  There was nothing else I could physically do at this point... either the liquid would kill me, or I would die of exhaustion from fighting it off.  My eyes were shut, but I could see stars in the darkness, swirling as if on a movie screen.  They floated by so rapidly that I felt sick, and decided that the room itself would be better to gaze at than this nauseating strobe of color.  My eyelids rose to see the hooded man hovering over me.  "How does it feel?" he questioned. "Why?" I moaned.  The man crossed his arms before answering, "You're the experiment.  You ask no questions, you stay quiet.  You take it like a woman, and perhaps I'll let you go".


  1. No thank you.

    Besides the need for breaks at changing speakers/thinkers, this isn't something I'm interested in reading any further.

  2. I think you should leave out the part about either the liquid would kill her or she would die of exhaustion. Why should I read on if I already know one or the other is going to happen?

    I was a little surprised toward the end when he asked her how it felt and then told her she was to remain silent. What was the point of his question?

    If I read this at the beginning of a novel, I wouldn't read on, but only because it's not the type of stuff I read.

  3. Hmmmm... "You take it like a woman..." Yeah.... ouch on that.

    I feel like a rapist for reading THIS far :P

    Interesting premise.. the suffering of a human lab rat.. but the execution in this case just feels evYl, like the fru-its of the devYll.

  4. I am curious as to what is happening but not enough that I have to read it, though I probably would. If the MC is drinking from a glass, why the needle?

    Great writing.

  5. I'm interested. Not what I typically read, but I want to know what the experiment is going to do. Why is she the test subject? Was she kidnapped? I've got lots of questions.

    The only thing that really bothered me is the instantaneous bruising, which I don't believe is something that happens. As someone who bruises very easily I know it still takes some time for that bruise to come up.

  6. You have some good phrases in here. The formatting does need fixed, and there are contradictions. I just want to know what the shot is for if the liquid is so deadly. You definitely evoke some strong emotion!


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