Monday, February 15, 2010

Entry 23


As if she had been stung by an angry wasp, Natalie suddenly sprang forward. Her head spun from the abrupt change in position and perspective. Grandma would have been proud of her impulsive posture but certainly not of the stream of obscenities that flowed like water from a busted pipe, foul enough that a seasoned sailor would blush.
“DAMMIT! Why don’t these freakin’ rocks last longer?” ended the tirade.  It was a scene that had played out frequently in the past two years. She yanked her ear buds out and launched the small sliver of red rock into the alien sky. A dramatic sigh escaped her.
“Probably for the best,” she said aloud. “That song always brings back painful memories.”  There was no point in thinking about the past. Nothing could be changed. Nothing could bring back her father, Josh, or anyone else who had to be left behind.  Thoughts of it made her stomach churn and started the water works.
She couldn’t go back looking upset. It would worry them.  Brows furrowed, she swiped at her damp cheeks and gave herself a stern internal pep talk.  Satisfied that she could fool her brothers, she turned heel to head home.


  1. This one left me more confused than intrigued, but that may be me and not the piece.

  2. I really like the writing, although IMO I think you should switch around the order in the first sentence.

    I don't have a clue what's just happened, however. I don't know why she jumped forward or what the comments about the rocks is all about.

    Not sure if I'm hooked or not. But again, I do like the writing.

  3. Uuuuhhh.. Hmmmmm....

    Martian iPod, or are the rocks batteries?

    Curious setting, but I am not sure if I'm behind the tantrum-time MC. I do feel like I'm missing a lOT, and I wonder if this would be helped by some foundation-laying.

    It seems like you've got a world built, but the world seems like an armature right now, and I find myself wanting more in order to keep up interest.

  4. It was a scene that had played out frequently in the past two years. But not for me. I'm just not seeing this one. You need to show more than tell to hook me.

  5. I'm confused. Not exactly what you were hoping for, I'm sure.

    I don't understand the whole "rocks" thing. I don't know why she jumped forward or what Grandma has to do with her movement. I don't get how the song relates to rocks (unless she meant rock music, but I doubt it). Just too many questions and no answers for this one.

  6. I love the reference to language and how her grandmother would react, but I agree. Confusing. The rocks? Why she jumped forward? How did she fool her brothers? It seems choppy and I had a hard time following.

  7. I was going to suggest switching the order of the first sentence as well. And then maybe tell WHY she springs forward and spews swearwords. (Do like the writing there.)


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