Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Something Wicked This Way Comes

The words leapt out at me from the page, pulling me into its world of faeries. I propped up my pillow. I wasn’t cold, even though I was only wearing a tank top and my white sofee shorts. Texas summers were never cold, even at night. My flip flops were on the floor next to me in case I was caught. Easy excuse to say I had just got in from… well, from whatever I was doing. It was late now, probably close to eleven. Mom and Dad were still out at some churchy group thing; they went every week, and it was my one time to read anything “unchristian.” Aka, anything that involved faeries, demons, vampires, or anything else ungodly. Mom said “it wasn’t suitable for twelve-year old minds.” Whatever.

I focused on the story, walking through the Seelie court. My skin tingled. I was such a sucker for scary parts. I couldn’t put them down, and I couldn’t stop my imagination once it was done. It was one of the reasons I didn’t do sleep-overs. They just aren’t cool when your friends make fun of you for sleeping with the lights on. My mind was completely wrapped up in the book when I heard a door shut. I glanced up over the top of the book, expecting to see a troll but nothing was there. The door shut again. My mind was still trapped between the pages and all I could think of was that they were coming for me. Slowly I slipped off the bed and tip-toed to the door. Someone was in my house. I could hear their footsteps on the carpet. They were coming to my room! Wildly, I threw myself into the closet, tangling my blonde hair on coat hangers and sleeves. I would not be caught—“Amy? We’re home.” 


  1. Firstly, I think you did a great job here building tension! A 12 yr old's mind can certainly get taken away and cause them to run and hide in the closet like that!

    I enjoyed the premise, but think you could have shown a little more than you told. It's not an easy thing, is it?

  2. that I'm re-reading it, I definately could have... :) It is a lot harder than it sounds. It's one of my weak spots... Thanks!

  3. I really like this, and I think you did a pretty good job of showing. The closet part was very nice.

    I wasn't crazy about the set up for the flip-flops, or for the clothes. It seemed a little fake, if you know what I mean. Maybe she could take a quick peek to make sure she'd left her flip-flops next to the bed, but I don't know of a way to save the reference to being cold. It just seems unnecessary except as a foil to describe her clothing.

    This is so hard!

  4. I enjoyed the storyline, and my nit is also
    the set up for the clothes. I do love the
    closet scene, a totally logical step for a
    young girl. Their imaginations take flight,
    thankfully, mine still does.
    We just have to rewrite, rewrite, and check it over again. Not easy, for sure. This is a wonderful site, though.

  5. Hi! I love how you have this girl "trapped" within her book. Her imagination has gone wild, which makes for a lot of tension in this submission.

    My favorite part is the closet...where she tangles her hair on the hangers and sleeves. If you change this...maybe you could start with her in the closet.

    I was happy to read her name at the end! I hate not knowing what a character's name is.

  6. Just a couple of things that jumped out at me. Your best opening sentence is buried in the paragraph, i.e.,

    My flip flops were on the floor next to me in case I was caught.

    I think that would attract more interest and help set up the scene better. Just a suggestion.

    Also, this sentence... It was late now, probably close to eleven... is telling. You could change it to showing with something like... a quick glance at my clock/radio showed the time was nearing eleven. (That's a poorly written sentence, but you get the point.)

    My only other suggestion would be to replace "shut" with "slam" regarding the sound of the door. It's more powerful and gives a greater audio impact.

    You did use a clever way of giving the reader the character's name. That can sometime prove difficult. Nicely done.


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