Monday, February 15, 2010

Entry 5


The cold ground throbbing on his forehead, the ‘tick tick tick’ of peoples feet as they parade by. Knees bent, head to ground, arms out, palms upward in absolute supplication. He can't remember how it all started, can’t even remember his own name. Sometimes the words come easily forming sentences. Sentences into paragraphs, paragraphs into whole pages of exposition on his life, likes and dislikes, opinions and general noise. The brain just dumping its old hardly used words, rattling in through and out of his mind and mouth like a great biblical purging. Sometimes it was not so easy, like now. Vast tracks of silence and gaping maws of darkness that threatened to consume his mind, his warmth, his very essence.

Who was he? Today he referred to himself as Thracé. Why was he begging on this cold street at the edge of Charles Bridge? He needed the coins for something. Something was gnawing at his insides, something needed to be satisfied with these coins...the money but he did not know what. The cold ground throbbing on his forehead, IN his forehead, as people surged and pulsed past him.

"...flowing, blowing, pulsing, throbbing BLOOD!", Thracé thought.

"I bled once...a long time ago."


  1. I'm not feeling it, sorry. I may be a matter of genre preference, but this one didn't hook my attention. Hopefully someone else with more experience in the genre will feel differently.

  2. Some good and some not as good here in my opinion. The first paragraph is too dense and confusing. I get that you're trying to convey confusion, but you don't want to confuse the reader also :).

    After that first paragraph, it's good. I particularly like the last line. That line would hook me, though I'd be on my guard for more of the confusing writing.

    Minor quibbles, don't use italics for emphasis and caps for emphasis both in the same paragraph. Just pick one style. And typo in the first paragraph, need apostrophe for "people's"

  3. It's interesting..but some of the wording throws me. Would the ground throb? Or is it more likely if he's on the ground (leaning forward maybe?) that it's his head that would be throbbing due to the blood flowing down into it?

    I agree that the 2nd paragraph and beyond pull me in better than the 1st one did.

  4. Echoing the above comments. You do have some good images, and I'm intrigued by the title.

  5. I seem to be in the minority here. I liked it, and I appreciate writing that makes me pay attention and think about what's going on. I can totally see this image in my head and am intrigued about what's going on.

  6. Title got me. The first line kicked me out again. The idea of that first sentence not being made up of sentences felt gimmicky to me. I know that's how he was thinking at the time but didn't work for me.

    The rest of it drew me back, but the "not more blood" factor left me saying "next."

  7. I wasn't sure what was going on. It's hard to get hooked when you're not following the story.

    It sounds like this beggar has an interesting past, but I didn't get this message until after the first paragraph. The first paragraph threw me.

  8. The thought behind it is good, but it's all over the place. No clear concise thoughts. I'm not sure if this is what you were going for. Way to much description, you need more complete thoughts.


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