Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Tricks of the Eye

With the seemingly never-ending goodbyes out of the way, Cassie slammed the front door and commenced with a victory dance. She grabbed a brush off a nearby table and used it as a mic,

“I’d like to thank the babysitter for getting poison ivy, my dad’s company for holding an event he couldn’t miss and of course, my parents, for deciding that I was close enough to thirteen to stay home alone.”

Cassie tossed her long flame colored hair over her shoulder, like the girls on T.V. do, and gave a small curtsy. She dissolved into giggles while making her way over to the couch, the soles of her shoes flapping loudly against her bare feet. Throwing herself down, something mother never approved of, she flicked on the T.V. Maybe she’d find an R-rated movie.

Suddenly everything went black. Cassie groaned. No power also meant no air conditioner. Luckily she was wearing her summer uniform; shorts and a flimsy tank. Reluctantly she got up. There was a flashlight in her room.  Out of the corner of her eye she spied something next to her. It was white and it was moving. A ghost?!  Her heart beat wildly in her chest. Her hands trembled slightly. Eyes wide, she turned to face it head on, and promptly slapped herself upside her head. It was just the reflection of her shorts in the mirror. Power flipped back on and Cassie immediately decided no R movies. For sanity’s sake, it’d be a Disney night.


  1. Good anticipation buildup, and then the humorous
    take on the ending. I liked it. The only nit
    I have is with the "soles of her shoes flapping
    loudly against her feet"- sounds like her shoes are coming apart- I know you mean flip flops, but perhaps it should be more literal. Although, "flapping of flip-flops" is quite comical if not good alliteration!
    Maybe "flip-flops slapping against her feet?"

    Just a suggestion.

  2. This was a great example of what we had to do! I liked the part about the reflection of her shorts in the mirror. The only thing I would recommend is finding another way to show long hair. Maybe to add to the slightly comical element, having her sitting up against her hair and her head getting caught in the turn to look at the mirror. I know when I had long hair, that was a pain to deal with.

  3. This still confuses me - the exercise, not your entry - but I think the only place you told us was when you describe what she saw in the mirror. I think "it was white and it was moving" is telling. ? I'm not 100% sure.

    Love the beginning of this with the microphone and her stand-up routine. Cute.

  4. The only thing that caught my eye (in a kinda bad way) was the slap of her soles against bare feet. It makes you stop and try to figure out wy she's wearing shoes AND has bare feet. :) Other than that, I liked it! (this exercise is so hard...but it's good too. :) It seems we all have trouble with this one.)

  5. This was good, the only I wouldn't mention the colour of her hair in that sentence. It's her POV and she wouldn't think of her hair colour as she tossed it. Maybe find a different way to describe the colour.

    I know this is hard. I struggled with mine.

  6. I liked this very much - all except for the last paragraph. It's mostly telling. I think you could do a lot more with it by going back into the showing mode you were sailing along in so well. Just my thoughts. All in all, a good job.

  7. You have a really cute beginning, and I love the way she speaks into the mic. The idea of her own reflection scaring her is priceless.

    Couple of phrases I'd revise -
    dissolved into giggles (I don't see this as a dissolving kind of noun); she was wearing her summer uniform; shorts and a flimsy tank. (telling); Out of the corner of her eye & slapped herself upside her head (cliches)

    Nice job overall.

  8. You've shown Cassie as a 12 year old really well. The beginning is fun, and very 12 year old girl. Actually, you do a great job showing with everything except for the end.

    Showing is action-oriented, so the way you introduce Cassie's hair works well. The hairbrush shows us a lot about Cassie's personality, and the R-rated movie shows us a lot about Cassie's relationship with her mother.

    The last paragraph is mostly telling, though. Phrases like "she spied something" are red flags for telling. Don't tell us that she spied something, show us how she sees it. How does it look to her? How does it make her feel? Let us experience her fear first hand - more palpable than a wildly beating heart.

    This was a fun scene!


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