Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Rasping Whispers

As the closing theme song to “Family Guy” blared from the TV, Betsy sighed in knowing her parents didn’t come home to catch her watching it. Seventh grade would be starting next week, and she needed to be in on everything cool whether Mom and Dad allowed it or not. Plus with school starting, her parents would never allow her to continue these late nights in front of the TV.

“Being twelve sucks,” she said as if someone could answer her in the empty house. She clicked off the remote and brushed popcorn kernels off her tank top. The fluffy white treats never hit the floor with her golden retriever snapping at the falling debris.

As Betsy bent down to pat the dog, her red hair brushed across Ruby’s back making it hard to tell the dog’s fur from her own locks. She then stepped toward a sink but tripped over her flip-flops that turned sideways with each clumsy step. Coke splattered on her crisp white shorts. She kicked off the annoying shoes and sprinted to the kitchen. I hope this doesn’t leave a stain.

When she placed a towel under the kitchen sink’s faucet, a raspy whisper echoed through the wall. Betsy leaped back and studied the empty kitchen. Ruby cocked her head and growled at the closet door—making Betsy’s heart beat faster than the chirping crickets outside the window.

“Who’s there?” Betsy asked.


  1. Wow! I think you got them all, and I don't think you "told" us anything. Very well done.

    At least, it is if I'm understanding this exercise.

    This has just a hint of being spooky, and leaves me wanting to know what happens next.

    I guess I can't find anything to criticize here, so I'll move along. Good job!

  2. Great storyline. I want to know what happens next. The exercise was to "show" not "tell" and I believe you covered it. Only one nit, the second part of the first sentence may be a little awkward. "sighed in knowing her parents didn't come home to catch"...perhaps instead of "in knowing her parents" you could use "thankful her parents didn't come"...
    Again, just a suggestion.

  3. Great work! Your seams are hardly visible and while some of the information is blatantly stated, it's hidden well against other showing aspects. The only single thing that stood out to me was the word 'locks.' It's a personal pet peeve but when used as another word for hair, it just makes me cringe. Other than that, great work!

  4. this is what we're supposed to do! Oh! I understand! :)

  5. Good descriptions and good tension in this. Just a couple of nits regarding repeating words.

    Seventh grade would be STARTING...
    With school STARTING...

    The word KITCHEN appears near the end of the third paragraph and then twice in the fourth. Maybe subsitute ROOM for one of them. And I also like the description of the shoes as "annoying." Good word choice there.

    I love the visual of the dog growling at the closet door. Nicely done.

  6. This is mostly all good showing and not much telling. Maybe change >> ‘Betsy sighed in knowing her parents didn’t come home to catch her watching it.’ to>> Betsy sighed, relieved her parents hadn’t come home and caught her watching it. Seventh grade would be starting next week and Betsy had to be up on everything cool whether Mum and Dad allowed it or not. (That way, it sounds more in her POV and less from the narrator’s POV.)

    The rest all read fantastic to me.


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