Monday, February 15, 2010

Entry 14


“…last seen driving a black minivan, heading to Alberta to visit her daughter. If anyone has information, please call the RCMP.”

“I think I’ll take the border highway. Imagine! my first grandchild.” Mary smiled, backing the van out of her driveway.

“Where could she be? She should have called by now.” Robbie thought worriedly, leaving the house to look for David, his father. At the town limits, Robbie spotted the red pickup in a motel parking stall and pulled over. While he wondered what to do, he watched as a man strode up to unit 14, slid something under the door, and left.

David sat inside waiting for the envelope. He picked it up, opened it, and sighed with relief.

Near Trail, Mary glanced at her gas gauge. Suddenly, several boulders tumbled onto the road, slamming into the van. Careening out of control, it went over the side of the ridge. Opening wide, the dense bush greedily devoured the vehicle. Blood spattered against the windshield, a grisly mosaic of colour.

Bulletin: a mangled, black minivan was discovered by hikers. Police are not releasing any details. Speculation is rampant about a woman recently reported missing...


  1. The bookended "breaking news" style passages were a little odd, but beyond that it was an interesting set-up.

  2. The beginning threw me a little, but then I figured it out. I really like the description of the van after it went over the edge. Very vivid.
    Now I'm wondering, with the father hiding out in a motel receiving envelopes...did he have his wife killed?!

  3. I think to really hook a reader, you need an event fixing to happen. What takes place is never as captivating as what we see could happen next. I'd stop it as the van threatens to veer off the side of the road.

    With the dialog and "..." at the beginning, this doesn't feel like the start of a story.

    Be careful to stay into the same character's pov.

    It's an interesting concept but a bit jarring with the jumping from spot to spot.

  4. Its an interesting plot, but I was confused and lost as to what was happening and I had to re-read. It did not hook me because of that.

  5. Maybe it’s just me, but I was totally confused because the POV kept changing. I read it three times, but I still have no idea what the story is about, so it didn't hook me.

    I’m sure it’s a great story though.

  6. What they said about the POV being confusing. I would like to know the characters a bit more before the crash, to engage my emotions. Also, watch adverbs (worriedly). You really don't need them. His thoughts show his worry. I think you might be able to pull off the changing POV if you don't put them so close together or make them so abrupt. I thought Robbie was riding in the van the first time I read it. Good luck to you! Sounds like an interesting story.


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