Monday, February 15, 2010

Entry 8


It’s not really my fault but what was left of Mikey probably wouldn’t fill a family pak of burger at your local grocery store.  Well, to be hideously honest, I suppose you could say that his current condition could be linked back to a particular action that I’m responsible for.  But you probably wouldn’t want to say that to my face.  Unless of course you could talk fast enough to yell it out a car window as you zip past me.  Even then, you’d be pressing your luck.

And before you get to fretting about poor old Mikey, please be aware that he does bear some responsibility for the sad state of his human form. Some people think they can get away with anything.  They get caught up in their selfish greedy desires, their arrogance, their sense of self-entitlement.  But just like a rat who gets its bones crushed and its insides squeezed out of its anus when he goes for the prize in the trap, the person who surrenders their soul to greed can come to a very sudden, sad and nasty end.  Ask Mikey.


  1. "ask Mikey" is decidedly creepy, but I think the rest of it's a bit over the top. Try not to hit the reader over the head with the atmosphere.

    Kind of sounds like a POV from the kid who sent people to the cornfield in the Outer Limits.

  2. I think this totally rocks. I like both Carl Hiaasen and Stephen King, and I think this has some elements of both. I'm sure I could find words to quibble with (I am a writer after all) but none jumped out at me so you're gonna have to live with all positive from me on this one.

  3. Hmmmm. It's a bit harsh, I think, and I lose some interest in the narrator when confronted with (Her? His? (I like the ambiguity)) self-awesomeness. Perhaps if the threats against the reader were pulled back just a touch, it wouldn't read so, "I'll beat you up real bad."

    I did like the feeling I got when I visualized what the narrator DID to Mikey, and I love its emotionless treatment of its own gruesome deed. It just feels like this monster is trying to impress people with how ueber-bad-ass it is, and, honestly, would it care whether or not it scared me?

  4. It intrigues , but it might be a little much. Also, pak? Should be pack, no? (unless it's some kind of brand name I don't know about).

    I would definitely read on.

  5. I'm not going to quibble with anything. It's jarring, yes . . . but I like it! ;-)

  6. I liked all of this one and have no crit. I loved the voice and it had a great hook.

  7. Not my genre, and I would have to say the hook that might work on some would not work with me. Personal taste, though, and not a reflection of the writing.

  8. Could you ax "it's not my fault" from the beginning and maybe put it in a separate line after the first? It just seems to run on, and I think you'd have more punch without it.

    You're a good writer, but I don't know whether it's overblown or not since I don't read this type of thing. The rat image was powerful. *shudder*

  9. The writing is excellent and the story intriguing, but do I want to continue reading? Absolutely not. Why? Because it's disgusting, and I strongly dislike the MC. I will not spend a lot of time with a character that I do not like.

    There is definitely a market for this stuff, and you will hook many readers because you have talent; however, I quit reading Koontz twenty years ago and never liked King.

  10. Great comments everyone. You all have been a tremendous help. MBee - "Family Pak" is a commercial term used at a supermarket in my area and it should have had quotes around it - thanks for noticing. Michelle - great comment - "It's not my fault" should have been a sentence of its own. I wrote this in a flash and sent it off but after my email left and I read it again, I noticed the blunder.

    Yes, it is harsh. It is intended to be over the top. It's a risky approach, but I believe it will pay off. This is a WIP. The MC is not in the intro. Again - risky, but I have to do it this way. The character in the opening could be called a Co-MC however. And it's not human.

    I apologize for not reading through all of your contributions in time for the contest BTW. I wasn't able to cast a vote in time either. I have been away since 4PM Sunday loading in a show and preparing the set for a local play that starts soon.

    I'm looking forward to reading all of your entries however this Friday. I'm new here and none of you have any idea how much I appreciate your comments - all of your comments. Thank you. I hope to get to know you all better over the coming weeks. Good luck with your projects!

  11. BTW - I had to sign in on an old google account where I was registered as "Laker" apparently. "Gregor" is my handle here (I think, lol)


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