Monday, February 15, 2010

Entry 21


A thousand eyes turned skyward when the phenomenon began. Liquid crimson poured across the horizon like burning oil rolling over the surface of turbulent waters. A nightmare once reserved for the strange and paranoid – for hermits and babbling lunatics – the otherworldly drama finally played itself out for all humans to see. For one fleeting moment, every witness shared a single thought: /It's all over/.

For the vast majority of humans, the end came with no warning. Normal life had progressed for all of memory with no indication of the ugliness lurking behind every mirror, of the dark beings given life by by lies and secrets. Yet, as they stared up at the changing sky, it came as little surprise that the world they'd come to know was about to go away for ever.

Fate had granted glimpses of the future to a select few. They stumbled onward, confused and tormented by their changing bodies and twisting senses. Some thought themselves saviors and shepherds, but others gleefully accepted their true role: to be heralds of the awakening darkness and the end of the mundane world.


  1. Vivid, but a bit confusing. Strong voice, though.

  2. The writing is good in terms of painting a picture and it is technically solid. My only complain is a pretty general one - the "eye in the sky" point of view didn't work for me. That may not be true of everyone - I don't lean towards scifi/fantasy, which is what this feels like.

    If it makes you feel any better, the prologue in my first novel did a lot of the same thing.

  3. I think you could start this with the second paragraph. But I have no idea what is happening, so I could be wrong.

    Not sure if I'm hooked or not.

  4. I have to admit while reading it, I got distracted several times and had to go back and re-read.
    If for most, the end came without a warning, how come it came as little surprise that the world as they knew it was changing? Is it the apocalyspe? Is everything ending? Or is life just changing drastically? I'm confused.

  5. The end of the world is always a big hook, but you need more showing to capture it. I'm not quite following what's happening with this liquid or why. I think you could be more concise in your writing but you chose some good descriptive words.

  6. I would also like this to be more personal and less omniscient feeling. If we had a character to care about, it would be even more compelling. Good language use in places.

  7. The beginning caught me, as it should, but the last two paragraphs lost me. It sounds interesting but the second two need some work.


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