Monday, February 15, 2010

Entry 26


When one looks at their life down the barrel of a gun many things go through their minds; “I don’t wanna die”, “why me?”, and least of all, “what did I do with my life?” When she stood their looking at her life flashing before her eyes, it felt like hours, when in actuality it was only seconds, then the pain of the impact. Bits and pieces of her flesh melted and fell off as she screamed in pain and horror, but endure it she did, for survival was her focus. She wasn’t sure whether death would’ve been better, but somehow she knew that this pain would, like all pain, only last a little while.


  1. I think with some editing you could have a good beginning. But, as it is, it needs trimming in places where you've used words you don't need.

  2. I agree, great opening, but needs a little tightening. I'm hooked though.

  3. The concept is solid. the last sentence is the best sentence. That said, I think it does need some editing. the first sentence in particular has several grammatical errors ("one" is singular but "their" is plural - that's the root of your problem).

    you've got a typo also - when she stood "their" should be "there".

    So the concept is good, but the writing needs a bit of work. Thanks for being willing to post!

  4. Others have made comments on the grammar problems, but aside from that, I'm hooked. I want to know why the pain is only going to last a little while. I take it this isn't an ordinary gun, since her flesh is melting. Really gross!

  5. O.o

    My eyes.. confused.. horrified...

    Did... Did her FACE just melt off?!!

    Uhhh.. hmmm... Uhhh.. Well.. let's see..

    Okay, see, I just keep coming back to HER FACE MELTING OFF! I can't get around that part.

    I can't say I'm hooked, really.. I mean, yeah SURPRISE.. face melting off.. I didn't expect the trigger to get pulled, but the set up felt kinda' flat for me. All these deep, philosophical questions are things we've seen bugs-bunny ask before Elmer Fudd went Kablowey. That the MC seems surprised to be thinking them kinda makes me lose a little bit of respect for her. Not that I think anyone deserves face-melting-off-time .. I mean.. just yikes..

    However, I must say, I am interested in the thought process following the whole.. you know.. F.M.O.T. I think if she had a stronger mindset prior to fmot, then I'd be hooked.

    Now, if you'll excuse me.. I have to go check my face in the mirror...

  6. Interesting opening. I'm not quite sure what is going on but would like to read more to find out.

    I would leave the quotes off of internal thoughts.

    I'm not a fan of the phrase "stood there." Many writers use this sort of wording and in grates on me--like where is there?

  7. Interesting, but not enough to hold me. I might read on if I didn't have something else...I would be interested to know how one survives what seems like a pretty extreme wound.

  8. Okay. I would kill the first line. "One" and "their" are impersonal and I want to know this gal's name and something about her. Plus it sounds cliche' to me. I don't know, but I think I would be completely freaked out as a character, no matter how set I was on enduring. Flesh melting is pretty scary stuff, and I sort of need more showing here to feel her suffering.


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