Monday, February 15, 2010

Entry 17


     “Dance with me, Daddy.”                                                                         
      I pretended I didn’t hear.
     My five year old daughter was persistent.
     “Kadence, I’m watching television.”
     “Can’t you stop?”
      The movie was a good one.
      “Honey, I’ll dance with you some other time.  Find something else to do, ok?”
     She left without answering.  Soon I caught the sound of rustling paper and click-clacking of crayons on the kitchen table.
     Returning to the living room, she taped a sheet of paper on the end of the couch.
     A few minutes later she called from the kitchen, “Daddy, did you read the note?”
     “No, was I supposed to?”
     “Yes.  I wrote it for you.”
     With my attention on the movie, I reached over and pulled the paper off the couch.  In her childish scrawl, she had written:
     'Dear Daddy,  I love you.    Kadence’
     On the bottom part of the paper was a drawing of two halves of a heart, colored in bright red.
     Raising my voice, I said, “I read your note.  Thanks.  It’s really cute.”
     She edged into the room, her little face serious.
     “It’s not supposed to be cute, Daddy.  It’s a broken heart.  You broke my heart when you didn’t wanna dance with me.”


  1. I don't like the narrator, which I'm assuming is the intended result. The problem with that is that - if he's narrating the whole story, and he's got the same mannerisms, I don't want to listen to this guy for that long.

  2. The writing is fine, but this doesn't work as a hook for me. It might be fine in the middle of a chapter or something. I do feel a twinge at the last line, but not enough for me to want to find out more.

    Thanks for sharing!

  3. Now, if she grows up to put a few bullets into daddy, then I can see where this is going, but perhaps *that* should be the opening line.

    "I wish you had danced with me, Daddy," My little Kadence said as she squeezed the trigger for a fifth time.

    As it is, though, I am too -- too -- too scared that the poor little girl will spend her whole life broken hearted by a Father who can't pull his head out of his @$$ long enough to be a parent.

    I couldn't read more -- not even for the hope that he makes things better. I couldn't risk them only getting worse.

    This hook needs hope.. or blood.. ..


    or a ninja robot.

  4. It doesn't strike me as a hook. There's not enough going on to make me really want to read more...Needs a little action. Maybe little Kadence should have used a nail gun to pin the note to daddy's chest.

  5. This is a really cute story and something I would want to read, but I'm not hooked into it as if I have to read like this contest proposes. The voice is great and you are good at dialog, but I would suggest adding a little more setting mixed into the dialog. Good job over all.

  6. I really, really like this but I agree, something startling needs to happen to get this off to a hookier (?) start.

    Maybe you could write me into it and I could slam a cast-iron skillet into dad's dense head so that he notices his poor little girl for a few minutes.

  7. You're a good writer. I just don't see where this is headed as a novel, but I could see it in a short story. In fact, you've told an entire story in just these few words, one with a powerful message. It's almost like a short parable, with the name "Kadence." Unfortunately, most people don't want that direct a message right off, no matter how well written.


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