Sunday, January 31, 2010



Dear Mystery Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Colby is on the fast track to becoming America's pre-eminent telepath. Despite the success of his first mission, Colby begins to wonder for the first time in his life why he has been at the Mind Corps since he was a boy. With the Corps distracted by a dangerous new enemy, Darius, whose mind is gaining telepathic abilities on its own, Colby sneaks on to his chief's computer, discovering a government cover-up which reveals the truth about his parents and the lie that was his life in the Corps.

Angry and confused, Colby escapes the Mind Corps. Two year pass, and Colby attempts to live a normal life in the real world, rarely using his abilities out of fear of being found, and promises his girlfriend, Leah, that he will never read her mind. When helping a small girl in public proves to be too much for him to resist, his altruism causes a news scene which finds him in the scope of his former friends in the Mind Corps. But when he finds out that Leah has been cheating on him, all of his restraints on using telepathy for selfish reasons go out the window.

Unfortunately for both Colby and the Mind Corps, Darius has different plans for Colby - whether Colby cooperates or not.

I am seeking representation for my 71,000-word YA science fiction novel, MIND CORPS.

I am more than willing to send a partial or full at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.



  1. Ooooh, this sounds interesting. It has a good hook and I would read on.

  2. I think this sounds extremely interesting, but I think you could tighten this a bit more, especially the first paragraph. Also, the sentences in the second paragraph are REALLY long. I'd see if you can find a way to chop them up a bit. Otherwise, I really liked this. Good luck.

  3. I'm sure I'm too literal and visual for my own good. I feel a need to know why Colby begins to wonder for the first time. Did something happen to cause him to examine his life? I'm not sure if this is something that should be included in your query, but I will say... to me, just seems like something is missing. Might not be more than a sentence but... take a look.

  4. I had the same question as Jess. This doesn't mean that it's not answered in the book, but the way it's phrased here leaves that question unanswered. Perhaps there is a different way to frame his departure from the service? At least as far as the query goes.

    I think I'd lead right into the new enemy and Colby's departure. As a whole, though, this sounds like a really interesting book. Good luck!

  5. I definitely agree about tightening, and had the same question as Jess. What sets him off?

    That said, this is a very interesting concept. Well done!

  6. I think the main problem here is the time leap. The story seems to take place two years later. Your query should begin there.

    Also, what is Darius's telepathic ability and how can it gain a mind of its own. I'm a little confused as to what makes telepathic abilities so dangerous.

    But it sounds interesting! Best luck!


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