Friday, January 22, 2010


Title: Bella Donna
Genre: Womens Fiction/Romance

Milan, Italy, February 2011

When she walked into the train station that odd hot February day, Marcos was mesmerized, dumbstruck; he couldn’t recall ever feeling how he felt at that moment, all the air had been knocked out of him. His heart leapt into his throat making him choke on his cappuccino, spitting some out his nose and mouth. His friend looked at him briefly questioningly, and he waved him off, saying, “I’m fine.” She was the most beautiful woman he’d seen, in a long… well, ever. She wouldn’t be interested in me He thought, but God she is beautiful.


  1. Sorry. I'm not really interested in either of these characters. And the thought of spitting coffee out of both your nose and mouth sounds painful. But that part also sounds interesting. What would happen if you started with that? Raised the question in the reader as to why that is happening? And just an aside. To cap the "H" in he, makes the character a god.

  2. Like the title. I would drop either mesmerized or dumbstruck. I suggest you kill off the cliches and the adverbs. I like the suggestion off coffee spewing for an opener. She must really be something to cause that reaction!


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