Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Dear Agent:

After millennia of war, one has been chosen to save the world from the demonic creatures that wish to possess it. However, a choice must be made. A choice that will determine the course of history. But how do you choose when one path leads to Hell and the other leads to death?

Brianna Ridley always knew she was special--a Halfling, born of parents from two separate worlds. But when she's yanked out of bed on the eve of her 18th birthday and rushed halfway across the world by her panicked mother--because her people are being picked off one by one--she realizes special has a price.

THE EXILED is a young adult paranormal romantic suspense, complete at 90,000 words, and is similar to Buffy the Vampire slayer, minus the vampires.

I am an active member of the RWA, CFRW and the online community YALitchat.

Thank you for your generous time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.



  1. I think this is a great query with a great hook. The only thing you missed was to add at the bottom that your complete manuscript is available upon request.

    Good luck with it.

  2. I think you're on the right track here. All the parts are there. The only thing I see that could improve it would be to move the second paragraph to the opening. It's much stronger and compelling than the first paragaph. However, if you switch those two paragraphs you're left with that word that agents don't like "choice" "make a choice." If you can come up with a more cliff-hangy ending, I thing you'll have something really good.

  3. Kill the rhetoricals and give some of the meat of the plot. This is too generic to be a real query.

  4. I tend to agree that the first paragraph should go. But then in the second paragraph I need to know who is killing off the people.

    Also, I need to know "how" she is special, not just special because she is a hybrid. And what can she do half-way around the world that she can't do at home?

    I think if you give us more details about the plot, this would be a lot stronger. And I didn't see any glaring mistakes otherwise.

  5. The overuse of the word choice had my mind wandering. I agree with Josin, be specific, we want to care enough about your characters to keep reading!

  6. Alllrighty.

    overall, very interesting. :) However! Questions must go. That's something for a book cover or an Amazon blurb. Agents don't want to have to asnwer rhetorical questions.

    The first paragraph reads too much like a book cover. I agree that it should probably go. The seond paragraph, however, holds much promise. Elaborate a little more, make sure you hit all of Michael's GASP! points, and you should be good. I definately need to know what type of "half-breed" she is though. Vampire-human? Demon-human? God-human? is she even part human?

    Also, I would NOT compare it to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It doesn't sound very professional (but that might just be because I never really got into the seemed too fake...but that's just me.) Maybe say something like "The Exile is a young adult paranormal novel of 90,000 words. It follows one young woman's journey into a world of romance and suspense as she fights for a blahblahwhatever." Short and sweet. They've got other things to go on to, and your favorite vampire show, minus the vampires, just might not be on their Nice List today. :) Also, your genre is really...involved. "young adult paranormal romantic suspense" is toooo much. "Young adult paranormal" is good. Romance is expected in any YA book (girls kinda demand it...maybe guys do to. :P) and suspense usually follows. To have too many things follow makes you sound inexperienced, which you of course are not.

    Finally, kill the sentence about what you moderate and what sites you're a part of. While it's good experience, an agent doesn't really care about your online activity. If you've had anything (relevant to your genre/topic) published (and not self-published), you can include that. Otherwise, put "This is my first novel." and tack the Thank You to the end of that first paragraph. Sweet and simple. Like vanilla ice cream! Who doesn't like vanilla ice cream? :)

    Hope that helps! I love the idea, it just needs to be fleshed out a bit more. Good luck!


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