MIDNIGHT KNOCKING
Everyone jokes about the little Devil and Angel on their shoulders. My problem is that I actually have them.
They’re annoying as hell, but they’re also very persuasive.
To make matters worse, I sleepwalk, and those two never sleep. I’m never entirely sure where I’ve been or what I’ve done.
Which is why I couldn’t entirely convince myself I wasn’t guilty when a body showed up with my fingerprints on it.
Short and to the point, but I think this one could have benefited from a few extra words.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm hooked, but I agree you could have given us a bit more here so that we could tie in the devil and angel with the sleepwalking and the body. As is, I don't know what they have to do with him sleepwalking, or what he has to do with them never sleeping.
ReplyDeleteIt might be an interesting concept. Hmmm.
LOVE IT!
ReplyDeleteBut it needs a touch more. You can easily grow every one of those points by a sentence or two and not lose any of its impact. I find myself wanting to know what they look like, what they smell like. Their voices, their mannerisms.. how much they weigh on your shoulders.. EVERYTHING!
Strengthen up your verbiage a little, and you have one HELL of a hook.. I'm sorry, I mean one HEAVEN of a hook.. No wait...
Love the concept! Something a little different. I wasn't sure I expected a body..would the angle let the devil part do something soooo horrific? I'd definitely want to read on.
ReplyDeleteThis is really cute! You had 200 words and I would have liked to have seen you use them with a little more detail, but it's a great idea for a story.
ReplyDeleteGreat hook! I'd definitely love to read more.
ReplyDeleteI think you could add in a bit more about how the sleepwalking and the Angel/Devil are connected. That would make your last sentence even stronger.
Love the concept, and yes, please do add more. It would make your hook more stronger and more effective. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree with LB - more words, but I
ReplyDeletewould definitely read more...
I agree with everyone else. A great hook, but you could have added more.
ReplyDeleteThis is fresh! And funny. Did you intend to use entirely twice or was it an oversight? Just a nit. Last line is great. More meat, please! Build this up a bit and it'll be even better.
ReplyDelete