Monday, April 12, 2010

Entry 10

Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

After her father was murdered when she was six years old, Shale Peterson made a resolution: never to lose anyone, or anything, ever again. For the ten years since, she’s used strength of will to win every competition she enters, from tennis to chess to tae kwon do. Her mother’s mysterious suitor Grey also believes that Shale’s incredible willpower is the only reason her mother is still alive long after doctors say that a brain tumor should have killed her.

Grey, the CEO of a powerhouse headhunting company called Kingmakers, challenges Shale at arm wrestling, at skiing, at work, at life, appealing to her competitive nature in a bid to recruit her. What Shale doesn’t know is that Kingmakers is the public face of a hidden world—a world of people who believe that willpower can work magic—a world Grey intends for Shale to one day rule. But there are plenty of people who will do anything to keep Shale from becoming Grey’s successor, especially Grey’s weak-willed son Duncan and the growing number of dissenters who want to break free of Kingmakers’ control and use magic for their own personal gain.

Grey and Shale’s mother disappear while on their honeymoon. Meanwhile, Shale barely survives a string of attempts on her life, starting with a hit and run that lands her in the hospital. When she finally uncovers the truth about Kingmakers, she doesn’t know whether to believe that magic actually exists. What she does know is that she won’t be a target any longer. All she can rely on now is her indomitable will as she sets out on a desperate journey to confront Grey, defeat her enemies, and rescue her mother.

And if these so-called magic users have hurt her mother? Shale is going to burn their world down.

KINGMAKER is a young adult urban fantasy novel, complete at 84,000 words.

I am a student in Columbia University’s MFA in Creative Writing program. Thank you for your time and consideration.


  1. I like this premise. I think you might be able to tighten this query a bit. The second paragraph starting with Grey takes the focus off Shale, and I liked her. Maybe stick with her POV regarding Grey appealing to her competitive nature, then give us Grey's inside scoop on Kingmakers.

    The s on the place and the lack of s on the title confused me a bit.

    Finally, a tiny confusion: is Kingmakers another world completely, or more like a cult? That is unclear.

    All that being said, the premise is intriguing, and Shale sounds like a great MC. Good luck!

  2. I tended to get lost in the paragraph about Grey and Shale's mother on their honeymoon. I think it would read smoother and cleaner if you trimmed that one down and got rid of some of the detail.

    I like this premise, and admire anyone who can build different worlds. It amazes me how they can do it.

    Good luck.

  3. I like the opening and the stakes at the end are high. I'm confused at why Grey wants her to take over - is it because she has the greatest willpower there is. I love the premise, it is great. Good luck!

  4. Jamie Weiss ChiltonApril 26, 2010 at 9:51 PM

    I get a strong sense of Shale's personality right from the start -- nicely done.

    I'm a bit confused about the idea of willpower working magic. So... willpower is a force, like telekinesis? That seems more like a "real" force than a magical one. Perhaps this confusion is only mine, so take it with a grain of salt.

    This is a unique premise and an intriguing idea. Nice work.


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