Monday, April 12, 2010

Entry 20

Genre: YA Paranormal

Sophia White is in for more than just pillow fights and the Food Network when she befriends a blood soaked Spirit named Crystal Gannon, a former Dothan Academy classmate. She’s thrown into a world where the dead don’t just rot in the ground for all eternity; they come back as ghosts, invade your privacy, and hustle you for help. But the issue isn’t limited to just one earth bound ghost, it turns out there’s hundreds. They all have one thing in common, an eight-point star branded into their palms –as though they’re ghostly cattle marked for slaughter.

It’s only a matter of time before the unlikely duo discovers the cause of the branded ghosts. With Crystal’s boredom, infinite time and sleuthing she’s able to point her vaporous finger at new-to-town hottie Daniel Stryker. Who isn’t as charming as he seems, he slinks in the shadows stealing souls. He’s a demon on a noxious mission and the one soul he’s most hungry for is Sophia Whites.

The branded ghosts will never get to soak up the rays in heaven if they are not released. And even though her very soul is at risk, Sophia vows to do it, but banishing the centuries old demon isn’t just about sending him back to hell. In order to get the souls to heaven Sophia has to get the Hell-Hottie to repent.

Yeah, like that’s going to happen.

BRANDED is a completed 79,000 word young adult paranormal novel. I would be delighted to send you sample chapters of BRANDED, or the entire manuscript, at your request. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.


  1. This is a great concept you have here, but a lot of comes through as unclear. You might want to start off with one or two snappy sentences to set the tone of the query, then launch into a synopsis paragraph.

    Specific things that struck me as unclear:
    1) In the beginning it's not clear if it is Sophia or Crystal who is "thrown into a world..."
    2) In the second paragraph, the 3rd sentence doesn't make sense. Perhaps merge that with the second sentence to make it more clear?
    3) I don't think noxious works in respect to mission. Perhaps you're looking for the word "heinous" instead?

    Other than that, I think this is a great start! Good luck!

  2. I hate to be negative! So if you will consider it, let's say what I wish to offer is constructive criticism.

    The concept seems fine and the plot seems pretty solid. But if you send out a query letter with the grammatical errors this contains, I wonder if an agent is going to overlook them and want to read more. I'm not trying to be snarky, but there are some problems.

    Other than that, the only thing I wondered about was Crystal. Does she wear the brand in her hand? If not, why not? If so, why doesn't she know what it means?

    That part just confused me. The rest of it was clear, sans the typos and grammatical problems.

  3. Great story idea and I love the voice, but I wasn't sure who the MC is. You use the POV of both Sophia and Crystal.

    A good hook though.

    Good luck.

  4. I agree with Trish, this is a really good plot and it sounds like a book I would love to read. I can hear the voice in your query too. The last line made me smile.

    Very good job

  5. This is a very good concept, and as far as I know slightly unique. I did see one or two small typo's, however, nothing to beat yourself up over.
    Great Job and good luck!

  6. Jamie Weiss ChiltonMay 7, 2010 at 4:35 PM

    I'm not sure how reality-based this story is. Your first line leads me to believe we are starting solidly in today's reality, but it seems that the Dothan Academy is a paranormal place. Perhaps cut the reference to the Food Network, for clarity.

    I'd like to get a stronger sense of voice here. Nice last line!


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