Monday, April 12, 2010

Entry 31

Genre: YA Reality-based Fantasy/Thriller

A centuries-old mystery surrounding the James Madison administration has just been unwittingly solved by sixteen year-old Jacey Grobe, whose days as a homebody are about to end.

It all begins on a dark mountain pass, where a near-death experience introduces Jacey to the Sojourners--those humans among us who travel threads of time and space not visible to the rest of the world. When Jacey's historical abilities indicate that she is a Sojourner, too, she joins their quest to protect a small town from the otherworldly predators that vie for control of the teen social scene.

With the help of Sojourner soldier Adam Lodge, Jacey's historical powers begin to uncover life-saving secrets from the past, but when the search for a missing girl throws them together in a heart-stopping race against time, Jacey and Adam must also fight the forbidden love that could hurt an innocent friend.


  1. I've seen that title before, so I'm guessing Sojourners are a fairly known myth or fantasy element. I liked the hook. Definitely had me wanting to read more. And I loved the line "that vie for control of the teen social scene." Great, as if the popular kids weren't bad enough. I'd want to read more just based on that alone.

    You keep mentioning Jacey's historical powers, but you don't tell us what they are. Do you mean the part where they travel threads of time? Maybe I'm just tired, which is why I'm not getting it.

    When you query this, make sure you include the word count, title, and genre.

    Good luck!

  2. I really like this and want to know more. I am confused about the historical powers, is that the fact that she can travel through time? And what does the first para have to do with the rest of the query. I'm kinda confused how that fits in.

    Good luck! I would definitely read this.

  3. I've heard of telekinetic and psychic powers, but what are historical powers? You need to describe what it is Jacey can do. It might be something really unique and amazing, but right now, I just don't know.

    Also, what's the centuries-old mystery surrounding James Madison? Because I'm a bit of a history geek and I can't think of any big mysteries off the top of my head. It'd be best if you explain what mystery she solves, how she does it, and how it relates to the near-death experience that leads her to the Sojourners. In other words, tie it all together because right now you have two different elements that seem disjointed.

    The trick is to do it in a few sentences, but your query's short so you have the room to do it. Good luck!

  4. Jamie Weiss ChiltonMay 9, 2010 at 11:58 AM

    I'd like to see more immediacy here. The second paragraph holds me at a distance from the story -- I'd like to get Jacey's voice here.

    I'm left with some questions after reading this query: who is Jacey with on the mountain pass, and why is she there? What are Jacey's historical abilities? Why would otherworldly predators vie for control of a a teen social scene?

    I think expanding this query and working in Jacey's voice (removing the omniscient narrator) will make is much stronger.

    A good start.


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