Monday, April 12, 2010

Entry 8

Genre: MG

Chuck Masters isn't gunnin' for trouble; he just wants to have a little fun. Fun is not something his one-horse town of Harley, Oklahoma is famous for. It is famous for basketball, and Chuck's the M.V.P. of the eighth grade team. Then Foster F. Finkman blows into Harley like an F5 tornado.

In REVENGE OF THE PINK GRANNY PANTIES, a contemporary middle-grade boy story of 28,000 words, Chuck and his buds, Naz and Bryan, get sucked into Triple F's vortex of chaos. The dude is as rich as he is funny, and knows how to stir things up. The boys pull one prank too many, and cause a long-time substitute teacher to loose his cool and his job. Chuck's conscience kicks in, and when he bucks Finkman's next stunt, the two tangle. Finkman disses Chuck and his single mom because they're poor and run Sudz 'N Dudz, the local laundromat. To Chuck, this is a declaration of all out war. He and his posse plan the "Revenge of the Pink Granny Panties," with a basket of over-sized undies as their arsenal.

But there's something Chuck doesn't realize about revenge: it never pays. In fact, Chuck's get even scheme costs him his friends and his spot on the basketball team. Finkman then becomes the new home court hero. The view from the bench helps Chuck to see things clearly. He musters his guts and makes things right with his friends and Finkman, learning that sometimes the bravest act of war is to call a truce.

My magazine credits include, Highlights for Children, Characters, Story Something and Chess Life for Kids. Several of my boy stories have won awards, most notably: "Valentine's Day Disaster," Highlights Author of the Month, February 2010, and "Quince Chaos," 2009 Highlights fiction contest winner. I'm a member of SCBWI.

Thank you for considering REVENGE OF THE PINK GRANNY PANTIES.


  1. This idea sounds very interesting, like something my daughter would enjoy. The title made me gigle ;) I think for a query letter you might have given away too much, it reads a bit like a synopsis, but there's a fun tone and an interesting story here so I don't think it matters. Either way I see it catching some notice and you've got great credentials. Good luck!

  2. I love the title! Sounds like something my son would like to read.

  3. I, too, love the title. I also like the voice in the query, but it might be a bit too much. At times it disrupts my ability to read it smoothly.

    I agree this could be shorter - it reads like a synopsis instead of the back cover of a book. Still - sounds like a book MGers would like to read while containing lessons. Nice.

  4. This one still cracks me up, but I think I like it. Only crit - second paragraph, "lose" only has one "o".

  5. This sounds like a winning story with all the right ingredients, and your voice comes through in the query beautifully. Even for a synopsis-style query though, I've read that you should never give away the ending.

    Best of luck with this!

  6. This query has a great voice and a fun premise. My only critique is that, as others have noted, it's more like a synopsis than a query. You can cut a lot of details and end it with a cliffhanger; for example, you could end with the line "But there's something Chuck doesn't realize about revenge: it never pays," and then give a hint of what's to come.

  7. Love the voice and you show your MC's character nicely through the query. As with the others, I agree that this reads a bit too much like a synopsis. I sold on the first paragraph, the second pulled me away a bit.

    Interesting title - I like it, just not sure how granny's underpants has to do with revenge -- guess Id have to read the story to find out!!

    Good luck!

  8. Jamie Weiss ChiltonApril 26, 2010 at 9:37 PM

    Great humor here -- I get a sense of the story from the title. This strikes me as very kid friendly, specifically boy friendly, right from the start.

    You also have a strong voice in this query -- I get to know Chuck right away, and I have a strong sense of the character of the town.

    I find the third paragraph a little jarring, because with the sentiment that "revenge never pays" and the sentence, "The view from the bench helps Chuck to see things clearly" we are suddenly reading an adult voice, an adult perspective. Can you get the same idea across while maintaining the voice of paragraphs one and two?

    Strong structure and a great query overall. My only quibble is that the third paragraph sounds message-driven instead of character and story driven.

    Very nice job.


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