Monday, April 12, 2010

Entry 24

Genre: YA Paranormal/Romance

When sixteen-year-old Casandra moves to California and learns she is a witch, her relief at knowing why she is different from other kids her age is short-lived. Now she knows she is a target for the elusive and deadly Hunters; covens all over the world are at war with one another; and any exposure of her magical abilities to “normal humans” will have disastrous consequences on all of society. Her spirits are lifted when she meets Nicholas, the most interesting (and best-looking) boy she has ever known—and to whom she feels a powerful and mysterious connection.

Nicholas returns home to New York the next day after they meet, but Casandra cannot forget about him, especially when she is asleep and Nicholas’s face is so clear and his kisses feel so real. Casandra knows her obsession with him is borderline insane, and she struggles to live her life as normally as is possible (for a teenager who is a witch). She agrees to go to the Winter Ball with her close friend Justin, a sweet and lovable surfer boy who makes his romantic feelings for Casandra very clear. On that fateful night, Casandra’s secret identity is accidentally revealed, forcing Nicholas and Justin to reveal their own secrets: One boy is her mortal enemy and the other is her magical true love. Only one can survive, but Casandra desperately wants to save them both.

Thank you for taking the time to review my query. My 88,000-word manuscript for DAWN OF THE MORNINGSTAR is available for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


  1. This is a good query, but I think it has a little too much information. Try to shorten the two paragraphs by making the sentences more concise.

  2. I agree with nkrell. The premise is good but it needs to be shortened and made catchy. That is so hard to do. Right now it reads like a short synopsis to me. You might try writing it from the MCs POV, like she was telling it, and then change to third person to infuse some more voice in there. Good luck :)

  3. I'd love to know how Cassandra finds out she's a witch? That seems just casually thrown in there.

    At the same time, there's too much detail about how she misses Nicholas. I think you could lop off that entire phrase after "cannot forget about him" and the query would be better for it. Good luck!

  4. Jamie Weiss ChiltonMay 7, 2010 at 5:17 PM

    I think you query would benefit from more of Cassandra's voice.

    Also, what does it mean, in Cassandra's case, to be a witch? I'd like to get a few examples of what it means to be a witch in the context of your story.

    Nice work.


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