Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Entry 50

Title: enTWINed
Genre: Young Adult

I am never alone. My brother, my twin is always with me. Whether I’m playing guitar, doing homework or kissing my girl, Bobby is always there. It’s a blessing and a curse, but mostly, it’s a blessing. I’d be half a man without him.

Peter and Bobby Chang are fifteen-year-old conjoined twins; two halves joined to make one whole. Sweet, funny Peter controls the right side and tough, sarcastic Bobby controls the left side, but together they walk, run and even snowboard. Peter falls in love with their best friend Kellie, but Bobby worries a romantic relationship will take away the focus from their garage band, RockIt.

I don’t know what’s up with my dumb ass brother. But he better get his priorities straight. Peter’s totally lost focus on what’s really important – RockIt. How can we get our band out of the garage and up on the stage if he’s love-sick over a girl? Chicks just complicate things. Yoko Ono broke up The Beatles, didn’t she?

At first Peter is influenced by Bobby’s objections but realizes he’s more concerned about losing Kellie than losing Bobby. As Peter says, where’s he going to go? The brothers’ bond is further tested when an unexpected medical crisis forces the question of separation surgery.

Entwined, a 50,000 word contemporary YA novel, is told in alternating chapters from each brother’s unique point of view and distinctive voice. I’d be happy to send the complete manuscript upon request.

As a published author/illustrator, I’ve written and illustrated two historical chapter books for Hachai Publishing, The Great Potato Plan and The Secret Tunnel, and co-illustrated Let’s Talk About the Sabbath. I’ve also written over twenty-five books for the educational market for publishers such as Harcourt Achieve and McGraw Hill.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


  1. I bet the alternating chapters/POVs works really well in your novel, but for the query, it's very distracting. You have a short time to hook the agent, and you don't want to confuse her by skipping between first and third. I don't know of any conjoined twins novels, so the concept is very interesting, but don't let the query style distract from that.

  2. I have to agree with Sage, I think starting the query off with first person POV is very confusing. I think the concept is very interesting, but it took me a few reads to understand the POV shift.

  3. The writing is great, the premise unique, but I had problems with the query as it is. I knew what you were doing, but it just didn't work for me.

    Of course, I'm not an agent, nor do I have an agent, so my opinion is worth squat.

    But I didn't quite care for the style. Sorry.

  4. I liked the premise of the novel, but I don't think it is a good idea to have multiple viewpoints in the query. It also seemed long to me. I think if you took out the two point of view paragraphs that the query would work.

    Good luck!

  5. I think if you just take out the first-person POV paragraphs, this will be a very solid query. It's certainly an out-there premise.

    I'm not sure that I would personally be interested in a conjoined-twins story, but I think it's fair to say that this is a completely original idea. I hope you find the right audience for it.

  6. 1. Like everybody said, please change it to third person throughout. It should flow much more smoothly then!

    2. I like how normal you make these teens seem. The brief mention of snowboarding took me by surprise and made me smile, while the "it's a blessing and a curse, but mostly, it's a blessing" caught my attention to in a good way. I like the positivity the character shows.

    I'm guessing you got your inspiration from the real story of Chang and Eng?

  7. Interesting concept, and I think you presented your storyline in an engaging way-that said, I do agree with some of the other commenters that the POV switch mid-query doesn't work. I'd keep it all in third-person.

  8. I love this and I'd definitely read on. I think I'm the odd one out here because I like the two POV's in the query. It shows there will be two POV's in the MS, however, I'm not sure how an agent will see it, but I'm interested to find out.

    Good luck.

  9. Jamie Weiss ChiltonMay 10, 2010 at 11:53 AM

    I recommend cutting the third paragraph, and keeping your query in the third person.

    A unique plot, certainly.

    Nice work.

  10. I know this has been a long time, but I was wondering if you could send me a manuscript of your story. I thought it was a very unique and interesting idea.



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