Monday, April 12, 2010

Entry 30

Genre: YA Contemporary

It’s been five years since fifteen-year-old ‘Fatty’ Patty Dantes left her hometown, humiliated and accused of a ‘crime’ she didn’t commit. Five years since she first entered Château D’ifference, fat farm/boot camp for the gifted and talented. Now ‘Patty’ is back and while things in Bozeman don’t appear to have changed, everything about Patty has.

She has a new name, Tahnee Graff. (One of the perks of her parent’s bitter divorce.) She’s rich. (Who knew the sandwich making business could be so lucrative?) She’s popular. (Turns out, all those lonely Friday nights dreaming of throwing the ‘ultimate’ party weren’t such a waste of time after all.) And, she’s hot. (Although no one would ever accuse her of being thin, some might argue that there were worse things in life than being the only 9th grader with a size C cup.)

At first, everything falls into place as Tahnee sets out to settle the score with the three girls who ruined her life. When things start to go horribly wrong, she must ask herself, if revenge is worth the price she might have to pay.

Tahnee likes to think so. After all, she’s a girl, not a saint.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.


  1. This is a promising query and I loved the voice, but I think it can be improved on. One of the recent drafts of mine was formatted similiar to your middle paragraph, and my critter told me no. To get rid of the parenthesis. So I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do.

    Right now your query is lacking conflict. Things start to go horriby wrong tells us nothing. Give us three or four conflict points, and be specific.

    Good luck with this one. If I was an agent (sorry, I'm not), I'd request a full on voice alone.

  2. Love the voice. Love the title.

    I think this is great - I love the middle paragraph but have heard it can be a "no-no" with agents. With the voice attached though - who knows. I'd request it!

    The only thing I can recommend would be a word count.

  3. I love this. It’s funny, the voice is great and it’s well written. Love the name, Fatty Patty Dantes. Teehee. I think teenagers will really love this. I agree, if I were an agent, I’d snap this one up. Good luck.

  4. Your last story paragraph sold me on this query. The premise was already interesting, but the fact that she decides to go ahead with a possibly foolhardy plan makes me love this MC already.

    I'm not sure about the parentheses in the middle paragraph, but it's all great, parenthetical color commentary, so I'd say take the risk. You never know what's going to catch their eyes.

    You need a question mark at the end of the 3rd paragraph.

    Is there room for tightening and shortening? Probably, but I love the 4th paragraph so much I don't even care. Good luck!

  5. Jamie Weiss ChiltonMay 9, 2010 at 11:53 AM

    You have a strong "Mean Girls" type hook here, but I'm not sure I'm entirely buying the premise. If Patty/Tahnee is returning to her hometown, even with a new name and new look, she'd still be recognized as the awkward ten-year-old who left five years before.

    I'm not sure you need the name change to Tahnee -- it's confusing in the query, but perhaps less confusing in the manuscript.

    I'm not sure from the query whether the manuscript will be funny, like "Mean Girls," or more toward the horror side of things, like "Carrie." It seems that your description focuses on the beginning of the story, and I'd like to know more about the middle and ending, to see if I think this story is going to hook me.

    I like your last line. Nice work!


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